Little Sexpot | Let Them Eat Cake | Crash Course Dinner Menu

Little Sexpot

Dear Micah,

Big big worries here.  Mom-sized worries.  Okay so my daughter Lannie was sort of the smartish girl in middle school.  I’d describe her as bookish.  She’s a lot like the youngest daughter on Modern Family.  Our problem began when school started back.  She’s in a whole new school  (we moved) and she’s not acting like herself anymore.  I fault myself because we’ve always watched The Golden Girls together and I swear she’s modeling herself after Blanche Devereaux.  That’s not a good idea for a teen.  In the beginning I didn’t really see it but now she’s acting like that at home too.  I have also had a remark or two from a couple of parents that knew her before and they’ve noticed the change. It’s not just me.  I am afraid this is going to really cause problems forward.  I tried talking to her about it but all I get are huffs and she tells me people change.  She says I can’t expect her to be a kid forever.  It’s not a question of being a kid to me.  It’s a question of leading people to think she is something she’s not.  I don’t want a Blanche Devereaux for a daughter.  How can I undo this transformation?



Dear C. J.

Why do kids always associate being adult with being sexual?  I know lots of adults that have no sex appeal whatsoever.  Yet, when kids–especially girls–want to change their image, they change it to whorish.  I have no idea how you can get Lannie to understand that her transformation isn’t going to be good in the long run.  She might just have to learn that for herself after someone she really likes takes a pass on dating her because she is perceived as less than pure to classmates.

Going from bookish and wholesome to slut just never ends well.  Miley Cyrus may sell albums, but her image will never recover from her trying to sell herself as a tramp.  Like your daughter, Miley thinks that makes her appear grown up, but really it makes her appear nasty.

And poor Elizabeth Berkley of Saved By the Bell fame…remember when she did that movie Showgirls and tried to reinvent herself as a sexpot?  That didn’t end well.  She destroyed her chance in film because she tried to change her image too fast and too drastically.  Most recently, she was ousted from Dancing With the Stars after getting a perfect score from the judges.  That means that absolutely no one in America voted for her if she still managed to be eliminated after scoring perfect numbers.  That tells me that America still doesn’t like her and that all started with that slutty role in that stupid movie.

It just never pays to play the whore.  Poor Madonna is still trying to live down her crazy days and she’s in her fifties!  So, tell your daughter as best as you can the perils of gaining that kind of reputation and how it will ensure that she never gets the guy she really wants because no one ever makes a girlfriend out of the tramp, even if the tramp is really wholesome and just pretending to be the tramp.


Let Them Eat Cake

Dear Micah,

My daughter is allergic to eggs and all of the parents in her class knows that.  We are very often invited to birthday parties of classmates, and every time the cake is made with eggs and my daughter cannot have any.  It happens so much that I want to say something about it.  It’s getting to the point where I am about to start refusing invitations based on the fact that my child can’t eat any of the birthday cake with the rest of the children.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask that they offer their guest a small cupcake or something that is eggless.  It’s very hard when your child is the child that can’t be like the other children and cries on the ride home because she felt so separate from them.  Tell me, is it rude to just bring my own eggless cake to a party?  Or do I speak to the parent before the day of the party to see if they will be able to accommodate her allergy?  I don’t want to disrupt anyone’s fun or add trouble to their lives because of my kid’s food allergy.  On the flip side, I also don’t want my kid missing out over something she cannot help.



Dear Gloria,

Before I get into the cakes and parties and how to navigate that, let me ask you a question.  When was she tested for this egg allergy?  Was it when she was a baby?  Was it recently?  The reason I ask is that she may have outgrown it entirely and be fully able to eat eggs and egg-based cakes.  My son was allergic to strawberries for a year, and then that just went away.  A friend of mine has a son who was allergic to nuts, and then they retested him at 5 and he doesn’t have the nut allergy anymore.  It’s made their lives a lot easier.  So, if it’s been awhile, retest your daughter.  Just because an allergy is in place today doesn’t necessarily mean they will be allergic the rest of their lives.  Sometimes they are, but sometimes it goes away.

Anyway, with that said, we’ll operate under the assumption that your daughter is still very allergic to eggs.  I don’t see anything wrong with a parent calling up the host parent and saying “Lindsey is allergic to cakes made with egg, so would you mind if we brought a small little cake for her to have when it’s cake time?”  I have a feeling that once you start bringing a little egg-less cake to parties, you may find other parents there with other children who are allergic and they will be so happy to see an alternative cake available.  I have had three birthday parties for my son, but I have never invited school friends until last year when I invited only two  that he’d become friendly with.  None of them had any allergies, but I am now aware of a couple of kids with egg allergies–and other allergies–in my son’s class.  So when I do another party and invite children I will offer an allergy alternative treat for those kids.  Those kids are just as much my guests as the kids eating the cake.  I should really be the one responsible for their dessert since I am the host.

But, I doubt most parents will think of it that way.  They may even just think that you and your kid are “just difficult.”  If they think that, there isn’t very much you can do about it except show how UN-difficult you are by bringing your own dessert.  I think parents should probably start thinking in broader terms of who their guests are going to be.  If I were having an adult dinner party and one of my guests were allergic to fish, I wouldn’t serve Tilapia for dinner.  As adults, we accommodate our guests.

Also, as adults, we know that if there is something we can’t eat, or don’t want to eat, we just pass on it and don’t feel any guilt.  Kids aren’t like that.  They don’t usually have enough selections at their parties to just pass on things in favor of other things.  And adults never really think about kids being allergic to cake.  I certainly never did before my son was in preschool.  Now I understand that there are kids out there who have real allergies to everyday ingredients.  And I would never want to think that a kid left our party crying because he or she didn’t get to have any cake.  So, I doubt very seriously that any parent would be offended if you brought your own to their party.  They might make a snide remark or two in their head, but once they think about the situation, they’ll conclude that their cattiness really comes from the embarrassment of realizing they hadn’t been considerate of their guests and asked who may have allergies.  If you just bring an extra cake, you might be helping more kids than just your own to enjoy that event.


Crash Course Dinner Menu

Dear Micah,

My friends have started a “Sunday Dinner” tradition where we all go to one person’s house and have a fancy sit down dress-up dinner.  It’s my turn in three weeks and I can’t cook a lick!  I’ve read before where you say you cook a lot.  Help!

The Toast Burner


Dear Toast Burner,

I don’t know if that “Help!” is to get me to come over and cook for you—because I’m not—or just advice.  But here’s what you do for a quick and easy meal that you can honestly say you made yourself.

Go get a pork loin or beef loin (you can get a big one at Sam’s or Costco).  Rub it down with Montreal Seasoning from the grocery store (or both Sam’s and Costco sell it too in the big bottles).  It’s a mixture of Kosher salt, ground pepper and some other spices.  Rub it all into the meat on all sides.  Toss that loin in a covered dish and bake on 350.  For pork, bake for about an hour, checking it about 45 minutes in to see if it’s done.  The beef you’d cook to your desired level of doneness.  I like it rare to medium rare so usually that’s about 45 minutes or less in my oven.  All ovens are different, so use my time frame as a guessing point for your oven.  Also, remember the meat will continue to cook slightly, even after you take it out of the oven.  So if it’s a little pinker than you like, it will cook more just sitting on the counter a little bit.  When you check it, slice into it in the center.  Don’t worry about ruining the presentation because when you serve it you will be serving it in ½ inch to 1 inch slices anyway.

While the meat cooks, make the horseradish.  If you hate horseradish, make it anyway.  Most people like it, and I hate horseradish, but I LOVE this stuff.  It’s very simple.  Go buy a bottle of Kraft horseradish from the store.  Publix has it near the ketchup and mayonnaise.  Take the top off the bottle and dump the entire contents into a bowl.  You may have to use a butter knife and your finger to scrape out all of the contents.  With the  store-bought horseradish in a bowl, add one whole cup of sour cream, two heaping tablespoons mayonnaise, one tablespoon lemon juice, and sprinkle in kosher salt and ground black pepper.  Whip it all up into one creamy sauce and this is what you’ll spoon out on plates for your guests to dip their meat into.  Delicious!

As for side items, bake some potatoes in the oven or microwave, or if you have a grill, try this quick idea I got off Facebook.  Slice a bunch of potatoes into thin slices– like potato chip-thin slices–place in a bowl and sprinkle a packet or two of Hidden Valley Ranch powdered dressing on them and mix it all up so all the slices have some dressing powder on them.  Pepper it too.  Then grab a handful of potatoes and place on a sheet of foil that you have already sprayed with Pam or Crisco spray.  It’s very important to spray the foil, or else some of your potatoes will stick and tear.  Then drizzle crumbled fried bacon or bacon bits on top and toss a tablespoon of butter on the top and close the foil up tight.  I usually make my closure at the top like a pouch so that no butter leaks out when it melts.  Grill these on a rather high to medium-high fire setting for about ten minutes or so and let them sit unopened until ready to eat.  You could bake these in the oven too, I guess.

As for a green veggie, take some broccoli crowns, toss in a covered dish, add some water till the bottom of dish is just covered completely and  put in a half of a butter stick.  Sprinkle lemon pepper seasoning all over the top and microwave for 3-5 minutes depending on how much broccoli is in there and then check it for your level of doneness.  Stir it all up together when finished cooking.

Dessert—no time to teach you a scratch cake.  Just get a boxed chocolate cake and then make the icing yourself.  Get a box of confectioners sugar.  In a mixer, place a stick of melted butter, a teaspoon of vanilla, and 1/8 teaspoon salt.  Pour out 3 tablespoons of milk in a little cup and sit beside the mixer.  Turn mixer to LOWEST setting and start slowly adding the confection sugar and when it gets too stiff, add in a little of the milk, then add more sugar, and then more milk when it needs it.  By the time the bag is empty and the milk is gone, it should be right.  But, if you need to add more milk, do it one tablespoon at a time.  But you really won’t need more milk.  Let me back up here and say something important: using real butter gives you a different texture than margarine.  I personally like to work with the margarine more when it comes to this icing.  I like the taste of it better and it’s way easier to spread.  But some people are butter snobs and the thought of using margarine makes them cringe.  The icing will turn out wonderful either way.

Okay there is your dinner.  It’s easy, it’s quick and they should be impressed with you since you usually can’t cook!

One Response to “Little Sexpot | Let Them Eat Cake | Crash Course Dinner Menu”

  1. Alice Cork says:

    Love this article and a new dinner!!

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