(Lying on the floor crying).

By J’Mel Davidson


Life, it seems, is simple.

You’re born, you do a bunch of junk that only makes sense to you, and then you die. Perhaps then you turn into a ghost…the jury’s still out on that.

My point is that 80 percent of humanity’s motives are unclear. Or that’s what we tell our children so they can sleep at night. A terrifying realization about being “self aware” is that you may understand exactly why people do the stupid things that people do. Not that you agree or condone—but you understand.

For example, the last time I checked my watch, it was 2014, Anno Domini. By any and all stretches of logic, that’s the future! What type of rocket surgeon wakes up from her space age mattress, places her “smart” phone (which has enough processing power to launch 24 Apollo 13s) in her pocket, gets into her shiny and aerodynamic horseless carriage, and then rationalizes that perhaps, just maybe, this will be the time that she should ignore the flashing lights and barricades that warn against attempting to race past the iron and steel land-torpedo full of bullets and fire water because she can’t miss her all-too-important hair extension night school certification seminar?

While this all sounds idiotic (and it is), the fact remains: people still get hit by trains. It’s not a rare occurrence! Perhaps it’s me, but I’m quite sure we don’t live in Toon Town. A train can’t sneak up on you. No matter how hard I believe and wish, a train is never going to come speeding from the tunnel I paint on the side of a mountain. The science just isn’t there yet.

I only have use of one of my eyes—and it needs a corrective lens—and I can see a train coming, on a clear day, about a mile away. Is it the supernatural? Are seemingly normal and intelligent people being drawn by some ungodly force to these railroad crossings to meet their doom?

Listen, the one thing I have never claimed to be was an expert on ghosts and haunts, but I have to believe that even a train track ghost can’t reach beyond the limits of the crossing where that very person, before becoming a ghost, was hit by a train. So in order for the implausible theory that a train ghost possessed you to stop on the train tracks, you’d already have to be on the tracks during a time when you weren’t supposed to be.

But for the sake of argument, let’s say you are possessed by a railway ghost and you drive onto the tracks of an oncoming train and you wait…why aren’t the other people in the car escaping? How aren’t people leaping from the backseat because they are in a car stuck on the tracks? Obviously you, the driver, has been possessed, but they haven’t! There’s a train approaching! Get out of the cocky-doody car!

And yet, all that said—I know people who would possibly get hit by a train. So do you. People who think it is more important to find the perfect song while driving than to concentrate on driving. You know people who are constantly late and then drive like Paul Lynde* to make up the difference.

There are people in the world that believe that trying to send a message by tiny typewriter while navigating a 65-miles-an-hour, two-ton machine through a sea of other two-ton machines is a good and urgent idea. You know what didn’t happen a decade ago? Texting accidents. So why is that message you’re so dead-set on sending while in a shiny Honda casket so important now? It isn’t, and while this action seems stupid enough that common sense would keep it from happening, common sense does not keep it from happening. Laws have to be written! Why do you need a law for something so simple and understandable?

Because, my friend, people are stupid.

I guarantee you that any person who’s plowed into a bus of orphans while trying to text was not texting life-saving launch codes to the president. It was some unnecessary tidbit of information that included “LOL” or “SMH.” (Has texting turned people into complete spazzes? If all the SMHing and LOLing that people claim is happening really is happening, then people must look like complete freaks while typing. Also, “lololol” doesn’t mean anything!)

Take a second to consider what the “no shirt, no shoes, no service” sign implies. Not only did someone enter a business establishment without shoes or a shirt like a common Animated Hillbilly, but once that person had arrived, he or she demanded goods and services. And it happened enough for a sign to be necessary. Nationally. That sign alone is the shining beacon of the failure of the Human Experiment.

Mankind’s capacity for stupidity is limitless. We even celebrate it. That’s why you aren’t watching The Real Aeronautical Engineers of Beverly Hills. But smart people are boring. And that’s the sad fact.

That’s humanity. And people want to take this mess to Mars?

Give these people air!

*Episode 26 of Bewitched, titled, “Driving is the only way to fly.” REQUIRED WATCHING.

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