Shelf life

By Paget Pizitz

Spinster turns 105 and is still a virgin (taken from a Mirror News Article)

My morning routine has become monotonous. Push Louis the cat from his starfish–like position off the pillow and onto the floor, notice candy wrappers next to the bed and hope I brushed my teeth after voraciously eating Red Vines, then reach for my phone and check the day’s hot deals. This morning, I came dangerously close to paying $38 for 18 holes of golf because the cart was included. Aside from the time I was in Ireland with Irish Bob (Yes, he is really from Ireland) and took a golf lesson because I wanted a reason for the golf pro to stand inappropriately close to my backside, I’ve never swung a club in my life. But this par-71 course with a 113 slope rating boasts Bermuda fairways and natural creek and mountain views. It seems like a real steal. As I feverishly search for my American Express card, I recall the time I tipped over a golf cart in high school because the laces of my combat boots got tied around the pedal, and I decide that perhaps this deal of the day just may not be for me.
A few moments later I receive a call from a friend in Charleston who is having a full-blown panic attack, saying she’d just Googled the word spinster. While I thought I knew what a spinster is, I had never looked at the actual definition. As it turns out, the Wikipedia definition is ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING.

A spinster is not simply a single woman but a woman who has not formed a human bond by the time she has reached menopause and the end of her reproductive lifespan. A spinster is not eligible to marry. She has had her chance but was passed by. Just as I am about to dissuade my hysterical friend from changing her Facebook relationship status to “spinster,” she exclaims, “Pag, it’s hopeless. I may as well take myself off Match and put myself on Groupon.” She then goes on to ask if I think there is such a thing as a discounted site for single people.
While she assures me she is joking, the fear in her voice is palpable. The word “discounted” rings over and over in my ear. Unfortunately, I fear many single people discount who they are and what they are looking for due to this overwhelming fear of reaching a certain age and being alone. The imaginary timeline seems to be an impediment to happiness and relationship satisfaction. I caution those who discount themselves in any way. Strive to be the best version of yourself you can be. Remember that a healthy relationship should affirm who each partner is and allow each person to meet his or her needs. I’ll give you some parting advice. Should you find yourself in Ireland, I highly recommend a golf lesson from Ray. I still don’t know what a bogey is, but I’d follow him to the back nine any day.
Paget is the owner of Connections: Matchmaking and Personal Consulting

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