Victoria’s Newest Secret:

Photo Credit: Digitalreflections / Shutterstock, Inc.

By Lee Ann “Sunny” Brown

Ah, it’s finally here! After two months of hosting a houseful of family and friends visiting from out of town and college kids home for the holidays, we finally have the house all to ourselves. I guess that’s why the month of February was chosen as the month to celebrate love, or more specifically, to celebrate romance. Or, at least the month we dedicate to making elaborate plans to spend lots of money to celebrate a day of romance, or at least, an evening of romance. That would be the very least. In any case, it’s the month I like to buy new lingerie.

Mind you, I am not talking about replacing worn-out, daily, practical underwear, shapeless, stretched-out nightshirts and old, coffee-stained robes. I am talking about buying actual lingerie that is meant to entice and flirt and hint at romantic evenings, and mornings (or afternoons!). Pretty, feminine loungewear to remind him, and yourself, that after a long day of business as usual at work that when you finally come home to an empty house but for just the two of you, he is still a man and you are still a woman. Dressing for the occasion makes it so much more fun to undress for it. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of options for lingerie shopping that I am aware of, and the last time I ventured into a Victoria’s Secret store to look for something new it was difficult to tell whether I was in a woman’s lingerie shop or had accidentally walked in on a co-ed high school sleepover party.

Now I know what Victoria’s Secret is: She is hiding her mother in the closet, bound and gagged, presumably with the sashes from her pretty robes and slips. With Mom out of the way she decided to throw an all pink party, and someone invited the guys. Victoria has turned herself into nothing more than an underdeveloped cheerleader. No wonder she needs all those push-up bras. There was a time when stepping into a Victoria’s Secret made you feel that you had finally grown up enough to fill out all those feminine, lacy things. They made you feel more womanly. Now, you just feel like you are on the verge of puberty when you walk in one of the stores.

It could just be all of the pimply faced teenage boys and scruffy college aged guys wearing their backwards baseball caps and concert t-shirts hanging around outside of the dressing rooms waiting on their girlfriends to come out that give that impression.

I remember when they used to sell pretty, elegant looking gowns and evening wear, along with sexy little kitten heels and lingerie. Victoria’s Secret was the graduation from adolescence to indulge in being a woman. Now it just feels like you are back in the dress up closet pretending too hard to be grown-up.

What the hell happened? We are close to the same age. If she’s not stuffed in the closet somewhere then she is another one of those women who gave up her own life for her teenage daughter and completely lost her identity in the process by trying to be BFF’s. I figure she has fallen victim to drinking the pink Kool-Aid. She must be saving the pink champagne for another, more grown-up affair. Now everything is “Give me a P-I-N-K! Whadaya have?” Just another perpetual sorority girl walking around in her yoga pants and t-shirt. She falsely believes that by dressing like her daughter that she can maintain her youth. She has gotten having a youthful outlook confused with having a girlish figure. One helps you feel, and seem, youthful; the other just emphasizes how young you are. Victoria’s Secret is afraid of being a woman fully grown. If she would just go back to being a woman and stop trying to be a perpetual girl she might be able to fill out one of those bras.

Just as disappointing are the lingerie departments in the department stores. Those are just downright depressing. You would run into Victoria Secret’s great-grandmother there. Or maybe that’s just your own reflection in the mirror with all that bad lighting. And with everything so crammed together on plastic hangers and the dirty carpets, getting ready for a sexy evening at home is the last thing on your mind.

Victoria’s Secret used to be a place to find well-made pretty, feminine, sexy evening wear at a fair price. It had a more sophisticated atmosphere without the cheerleaders and the guys and all the moms with the strollers and the screaming kids running around while you are trying to look at something lacy and red. Talk about a mood killer. Now, I guess the only option for stocking my lingerie drawer is paying the big bucks and shopping online. Until my lacy things arrive by the delivery man I guess I will just have to romance my Valentine wearing nothing.

No, somewhere, hidden in the very back of the closet is Victoria’s mother, and she needs to come back out of the closet and reclaim her life and declare that being a real woman is a lot more than just being pretty in p-i-n-k.

If she ever does, I say, “Cheers!” to that!

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