luke-truckBy Luke Robinson

People are always asking me, “Luke…how would YOU make things better?”

OK, no one asks me that. In fact, as a general rule, people cross the street to avoid me. 

However, since it was brought up, I do have several ways to make things—several random things—better! 

After that seamless segue, I know you are ready for my list…so here it is: The definitive ways I would make some stuff better than it already is:

1. To Make College Football Better:

Get Penn State into the college football playoffs. Five years ago, everyone hated Penn State. How could you not? Their iconic coach at the very least turned a blind eye in a series of disgusting acts by his most trusted assistant. The Nittany Lions were excoriated by the media and virtually flayed by the NCAA. Then, once the dust settled somewhat (it may never settle completely), cooler heads began to realize that the entire school didn’t deserve such admonishment. Now PSU is good again. Had the Lions—who won the Big Ten in 2016—made the playoffs last year (over Ohio State, whom they beat), there is no doubt in my mind that fan base would have been the most ravenous, spend-happy bunch in recent memory. Those guys are parched for gridiron success, and if Penn State somehow makes it into the football Final Four, that crew will be celebrating like Jeffrey Dahmer at an all-you-can-eat “Donner Party.” 

2. To Make Highway 280 Better: 

Teleportation. That’s all that’s left. Traffic has moved a little better due to more of a one-way attitude, but there are still few things more depressing than missing a light near the Chic-Fil-A at 5:15 p.m. and seeing nothing but brake lights way on past The Summit. Like Robert Frost penned, “(When you’re stuck on Hwy. 280 you…) have promises to keep; and miles to go before I sleep; and miles to go bef- HEY YOU SONOFABITCH YOU CUT ME OFF!”

3. How to Make Meteorologists’ Lives Better: 

Dress shirts that come with pre-rolled sleeves in case of bad weather. No one needs volume on their TV to know the weather report. If the meteorologist has his complete suit on, things are sunny to partly cloudy. If his jacket is unbuttoned and a little wrinkled, there’s a storm a-brewin’. If he has no jacket and his sleeves are rolled up, get the kids in the basement, gather your candles and buy Barber Milk stock on your eTrade app before the power goes out. But just think: If Jerry Tracey didn’t have to waste time rolling up those sleeves, how many precious seconds could have been saved? (FYI… if you ever see James Spann on TV without his shirt, REPENT!  The apocalypse is upon us!) 

4. How to Make Women’s Basketball Better: 

Let UConn continue to win. Every good story has a badass villain. For instance, all the good James Bond movies have memorable bad guys. Luke Skywalker is cool, but Darth Vader is who drove the Star Wars money train. Meanwhile, UConn is THE ultimate villain for women’s hoops, and the Lady Huskies are the main reason to watch a girls’ game. Notre Dame, South Carolina, etc. are all nice, well-coached squads; but if they aren’t matched up against UConn, what does it matter? All sports are better when there is a lead dog being chased. The chase is what makes it fun!  If all teams are grouped up in some amalgam of uniformity, who wants to watch that? To have a hero, you need a villain…and UConn is out-of-wedlock daughter of Mothra and Cruella de Vil when it comes to women’s hoops.

5.To Make Alabama Football Better: 

A Trustworthy Field Goal Kicker. Well, duh! (People still say that, right?) Otherwise, Coach Saban, carry on.

6. How to Make Fuel Economy/Logistics Better:

Make people who own trucks BUT DON’T HAUL ANYTHING start hauling stuff. (Kudos to the friend who pointed this phenomenon out to me, by the way.) This is Alabama; I get it. You have to wear duck boots to work even when it is not raining. You need a window sticker with Calvin peeing on the logo of your most hated rival. You must have a colored, plastic wristband denoting your love for a cause you’ve never financially supported. You probably need some kind of bad goatee. And, most of all, you need a truck. Well, you don’t NEED it; you want it… to fit in and all. But you don’t ever USE it in a true truck sense. You just have a squeaky clean “Rhino” liner in the bed! Well, from here on out you have to tote something in that truck that can’t fit into a regular car. Help an old lady get a Christmas tree to her house or carry a group of Cub Scouts in a homecoming parade. Do SOMETHING with that truck, man! 

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