Something to crow about

Valentines Day is only as scary as you make it

by Paget Pizitz

You probably think I was reared by Jack Hanna because of how I grew up. One Valentine’s Day when I was 11, my mom and dad adopted a pet crow. In fairness, it was sent to them by Wildlife Services because my parents had developed the reputation as known suckers and would take in most any animal in need of TLC. They named the crow Cuervo and built a special housing unit for it on the porch from parts of my Barbie Malibu Dream House. Cuervo was like a flying black rat with wings, but we loved him. He lived on a special diet of cat food, ground beef, slightly overcooked hot dogs and worms. Cuervo picked people at random whom he saw as a threat to his family. For instance, he hated my friend Alison’s mom with fervor. Every time her big, brown Mercedes would barrel up our driveway, he would start sharpening his beak and strength training his toes. When she would pull her perfectly coiffed hair out of the car, he’d go after her like a B-17 Flying Fortress.

My parents had no idea I thought this Wildlife Animal Rescue crow was my Valentine’s Day present, but to me it was better than chocolates or flowers. Because I had recently been gifted both a brother AND a sister in the form of baby deer, receiving pets as presents didn’t seem out of the ordinary at this stage.

Oh, that’s right. It’s February. You want me to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day and help you come up with unique and original ways to show your loved one that you care. I’m probably not going to do that, considering the most memorable Valentine’s Day gift I can remember was a crow. On the upside, Valentine’s Day traces its roots to an ancient pagan holiday called Lupercalia, in which men stripped naked, grabbed whips and spanked young women in hopes of increasing their fertility. I know this has some of you excited. Me, too. But let me arrive at my point before B-Metro fires me for turning this column into a scene from Law and Order SVU. Valentine’s Day is an excellent reminder to bring the person you love flowers, take her out to dinner or buy him a new speedboat. The romance fires are sometimes hard to keep burning when we struggle together with everyday things like bills, kids, jobs and the mundane responsibilities life throws in your face.

See Valentine’s Day as a wakeup call to keep that passion alive but don’t get your Pajama Jeans in a bundle over this “holiday.” However, if she says she doesn’t want anything, be sure to ignore her. Don’t you dare come home empty-handed. Something is better than nothing, unless it’s a crow. And if you do come home with crow, I’ll tell you that they like worms sautéed with a few tablespoons of unsalted butter and a heaping portion of peanut butter. At least, that’s what Cuervo told us.

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