An Interview with Chief


Our 30th wedding anniversary is this month, and I thought it would be nice to hear my husband’s thoughts on the last 30 years. (Also to see if he is still paying attention to me. I swear the following are NOT trick questions. Do NOT feel sorry for him!) Here is our recent conversation:

Sunny (me): Happy anniversary!

Chief: Happy anniversary to you, too.

S: Do you remember which one this is?

C: You told me it was our 30th.

S: That’s correct. Good—you were paying attention!

S: Okay, now let’s go back in time a bit to when we first met. Who is your favorite ’80s super model?

C: Besides you?

S: Haha! I know who it was, but enlighten our audience. Don’t be nervous—we’re all friends here.

C: You would probably say it was Claudia Schiffer.

S: I knew it! Do you ever look her up to see what she looks like now? Let’s do it.

S: (After looking at pictures of C.S.) Okay, let’s move on.

S: Don’t I look better now than when I was 22? Be honest. Honesty above all things, remember?

C: Without question.

S: About what? Honesty or that I look better now?

C: Both.

(Sunny is satisfied with this answer.)

S: After 30 years of working together and photographing me, do you have to do more photo re-touching on me now than you have in the past?

C: It’s not needed—in the right light.

S: Oh, did you remember to change the light bulb in the hallway?

C: Yes.

S: Thank you.

S: It seems like it’s always darker around here than it used to be. Do you keep removing light bulbs?

C: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

(Sunny is skeptical about this but lets it slide.)

S: People might want to know the secret to our happiness. You are happy aren’t you? Aren’t you? Are you asleep?

C: I’m sorry, what did you say?

S: You’re happy, aren’t you?

C: Yes.

(Sunny is smiling.)

S: If I got plastic surgery, who would you want me to look like?

(Chief gives me a blank, noncommittal stare.)

S: I know this one: Sophia Loren, young.

S: What’s one talent you wish I had?

C: I’ll have to think about that one.

S: Cop out.

S: Do you like my cooking?

C: I can’t remember.

(Sunny knows this is true. #dontcookdontcare)

S: Who’s better at putt-putt golf: you or me? People have a mad desire to know these things.

C: I am more consistent.

S: But I get more holes-in-one.

S: Do you think I’m funny?

C: In what way?

(Sunny has deducted a point from this test—I mean questionnaire.)

S: Longtime couples have pet names for each other. Why do we call each other “chief”?

C: Because we are always trying to boss each other around.

S: Yes, now that our Indians are out of the tee-pee. I hope that is politically correct. Maybe we should go leave some money at the Wind Creek Casino as a peace offering.

S: Thanks for cooking spaghetti tonight for dinner. You know how I like Italian night. It’s romantic, isn’t it?

C: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. What did you say?

(Sunny is looking annoyed. She decides to get back at him.)

S: Does this top I’m wearing make my hair
look big?

C: Yes.

(Sunny feels triumphant!)

S: Couples have their special song. Why is our song “American Pie,” which is about “the day the music died”?

C: Because it was playing in the background when we got engaged and you said it was our song.

S: Yes. And I know all the words to it, too. I take pride in that.

S: Do you remember the DATE of our anniversary?

C: Yes.

S: Well, what is it?

C: It’s the 18th.

S: Good to know. That you remember it, I mean.

S: What’s the code to our storage unit?

C: You are funny.

S: Who’s right most of the time?

C: You always say that you are.

S: That’s right! You are really doing great with this test—I mean interview.

S: Do you think we should renew our wedding vows?

C: No. I remember what I said.

S: What’s scratchier: your face or my legs?

C: In summer or winter?

S: Who hogs the covers? By the way, you are on my side of the bed.

S: Without looking, what color are my eyes?

C: They are blue. What color are mine?

S: That is a trick question! Sometimes they are blueish-gray and sometimes green.

C: I mean right now.

S: Red. You need some sleep. Now, wake up. I need to get this done. My column is due tomorrow!

I am glad to say that he passed these questions with flying colors and that we are renewing our contract for another year.


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