Our 30th wedding anniversary is this month, and I thought it would be nice to hear my husband’s thoughts on the last 30 years. (Also to see if he is still paying attention to me. I swear the following are NOT trick questions. Do NOT feel sorry for him!) Here is our recent conversation:
Sunny (me): Happy anniversary!
Chief: Happy anniversary to you, too.
S: Do you remember which one this is?
C: You told me it was our 30th.
S: That’s correct. Good—you were paying attention!
S: Okay, now let’s go back in time a bit to when we first met. Who is your favorite ’80s super model?
C: Besides you?
S: Haha! I know who it was, but enlighten our audience. Don’t be nervous—we’re all friends here.
C: You would probably say it was Claudia Schiffer.
S: I knew it! Do you ever look her up to see what she looks like now? Let’s do it.
S: (After looking at pictures of C.S.) Okay, let’s move on.
S: Don’t I look better now than when I was 22? Be honest. Honesty above all things, remember?
C: Without question.
S: About what? Honesty or that I look better now?
(Sunny is satisfied with this answer.)
S: After 30 years of working together and photographing me, do you have to do more photo re-touching on me now than you have in the past?
C: It’s not needed—in the right light.
S: Oh, did you remember to change the light bulb in the hallway?
S: Thank you.
S: It seems like it’s always darker around here than it used to be. Do you keep removing light bulbs?
C: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
(Sunny is skeptical about this but lets it slide.)
S: People might want to know the secret to our happiness. You are happy aren’t you? Aren’t you? Are you asleep?
C: I’m sorry, what did you say?
S: You’re happy, aren’t you?
(Sunny is smiling.)
S: If I got plastic surgery, who would you want me to look like?
(Chief gives me a blank, noncommittal stare.)
S: I know this one: Sophia Loren, young.
S: What’s one talent you wish I had?
C: I’ll have to think about that one.
S: Cop out.
S: Do you like my cooking?
C: I can’t remember.
(Sunny knows this is true. #dontcookdontcare)
S: Who’s better at putt-putt golf: you or me? People have a mad desire to know these things.
C: I am more consistent.
S: But I get more holes-in-one.
S: Do you think I’m funny?
C: In what way?
(Sunny has deducted a point from this test—I mean questionnaire.)
S: Longtime couples have pet names for each other. Why do we call each other “chief”?
C: Because we are always trying to boss each other around.
S: Yes, now that our Indians are out of the tee-pee. I hope that is politically correct. Maybe we should go leave some money at the Wind Creek Casino as a peace offering.
S: Thanks for cooking spaghetti tonight for dinner. You know how I like Italian night. It’s romantic, isn’t it?
C: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. What did you say?
(Sunny is looking annoyed. She decides to get back at him.)
S: Does this top I’m wearing make my hair
(Sunny feels triumphant!)
S: Couples have their special song. Why is our song “American Pie,” which is about “the day the music died”?
C: Because it was playing in the background when we got engaged and you said it was our song.
S: Yes. And I know all the words to it, too. I take pride in that.
S: Do you remember the DATE of our anniversary?
S: Well, what is it?
C: It’s the 18th.
S: Good to know. That you remember it, I mean.
S: What’s the code to our storage unit?
C: You are funny.
S: Who’s right most of the time?
C: You always say that you are.
S: That’s right! You are really doing great with this test—I mean interview.
S: Do you think we should renew our wedding vows?
C: No. I remember what I said.
S: What’s scratchier: your face or my legs?
C: In summer or winter?
S: Who hogs the covers? By the way, you are on my side of the bed.
S: Without looking, what color are my eyes?
C: They are blue. What color are mine?
S: That is a trick question! Sometimes they are blueish-gray and sometimes green.
C: I mean right now.
S: Red. You need some sleep. Now, wake up. I need to get this done. My column is due tomorrow!
I am glad to say that he passed these questions with flying colors and that we are renewing our contract for another year.