Friends Call First | Taking Back her Boyfriend | Public vs. Private


Friends Call First

Hey Micah,

Could you settle a disagreement with my friend and me?  She says that its rude to come over to someone’s house unexpectedly no matter who you are.  I say that if I’m your best friend then I get to drop by without notice to surprise my friend.  I get why you don’t want mere acquaintances dropping by, but your best friend should be welcome at any time.  Tell us what you think about it.  Do you think I’m out of line and I should always give an hour’s notice or am I right and close friends shouldn’t care about what the house looks like or whether you’ve got your make-up on?

Jess and Brooke

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Dear Jess and Brooke,

It sure sounds like just one of you wrote the question and skewed it just a little to your vantage point.  Doesn’t matter though, my opinion on drop-by company doesn’t really change.  I am never in favor of people who just drop by, no matter who they are.  I, too, am one of those people who want to straighten up the house and make sure we’re all put together before company drops by.  I can’t sit there and enjoy someone’s visit if I know they can see old Doritos under the couch.

I don’t think that asking you to call first compromises the closeness of the friendship.  You can still be her BFF and have to call before dropping by.  My BF is married with three kids, three dogs and a cat.  Her kids have lots of friends that are always hanging out at their house.  There is no way I am dropping by on her without notice.  At any given time she has her hands full and is probably surrounded by a mess, and I’m not going to add to that chaos with an unexpected visit.  Friends should be there to ease stress, not add to it.

You have to also read between the lines here with your friend.  You seem to think it’s more about her being embarrassed to be caught with a dirty house or no make-up on, but that’s not really what she’s saying.  What she’s not telling you is that she wants to feel free in her home to do whatever she wants without fear of someone barging in.  Maybe she enjoys some naked time!  Maybe she wants to feel safe inviting someone over to have naked time with!  She might be married and may enjoy some private time with her spouse.  Who knows?  Maybe she just wants to know that if she tosses on an old ratty t-shirt over some panties and lies on the sofa reading a trashy romance novel, she will be free to do so without interruption. Everyone likes some alone time and everyone likes to know for certain that their alone time is definitely going to be their alone time.  If you just pop over then you rob her of her alone time.

Just start calling first and asking if she wants company.  If you do that, then you’ll always keep her as your friend.  If you blur the boundaries and start making her feel crowded, I guarantee you will eventually lose that relationship.  She’s trying to politely tell you something.  Stop being an idiot and hear her.

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Taking Back her Boyfriend

Dear Micah,

A couple of months back I broke up with my boyfriend.  It was a mistake and I realize that now, but now he’s dating another woman.  From what I hear they are pretty happy together, but I really love him and want him back.  We were together for over a year.  I’m not the type to chase after a man that doesn’t belong to me, but I feel like in this one scenario I wouldn’t be a bad person to try and get him back.  Tell me what you think and if you agree with me how do I handle it?

Regretful

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Dear Regretful,

Normally I’d say that when a relationship ends, everyone needs to let it go with dignity and pride and start love anew with someone else.  However, in your specific case, it sounds like you ended things in a fit of anger without thinking, and you probably said some things which you didn’t mean.  So now you’ve learned a little something about being hot-headed and reactionary.  If you manage to win your man back, I hope that you remember that lesson and in the future, you stop and think before you make rash decisions.

I think that your ex-boyfriend deserves to know that you regret breaking up with him.  If he’s with this other woman only because he can’t be with you, then he needs to know that you love him so that you two can come back together.  I don’t think you’d be considered a man-stealer in this situation.  He was your man up until recently, and he hasn’t had a long enough time with this new girl to eradicate you from his mind–not if you were ever truly important to him.

Of course there is the slightest chance that he actually likes this new relationship better and wants to pursue it further.  She might be easier to get along with, who knows?  But you need to find out.  I suggest that you ask him to meet you for a coffee so that you can talk to him.  If he refuses, then don’t pursue it.  It means he’s over you.  If he agrees, then that signifies that he still has a desire to see you.  So just sit across the table from him and tell him, “I realize that you are seeing someone else now, and I am not trying to cause you any trouble, but I feel like I have to tell you that I understand I was wrong to end our relationship.  I still love you, and if you were free and still wanted me, I would gladly reconcile with you.  But if you are happy with your new relationship, then I will back away gracefully and won’t bother you anymore.  But I wanted you to have all of the facts so that you could make the choice that you really want.”

That sounds a little wooden, but it puts it all out there clearly and concisely and gives him the information he needs.  There is no reason for you to debase yourself or beg or plead or cry.  He either wants you back or he doesn’t.  If he doesn’t give you the answer you want, wish him well and leave, and do not make any future attempts to get him back.  Walk away with dignity.  You will never win him back by looking broken and pathetic.  I hope it works out for you.

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Public vs. Private

Dear Micah Cargo,

We are having a debate over here at our house over schools.  I want our kids in private school but he wants them in the public school.  Public school scares me even though we live in Hoover so public isn’t so bad.  My thinking is better education and opportunity for their future.  He wants to save money.  Please tell us which way you’d go.

Eddie and Jo

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Dear Eddie and Jo,

I know today we all get scared that public school is going to expose our kids to sex, drugs, gangs, or just plan kill them.  But that’s just because we see the worst cases on the news and never hear the good stuff.  I went to public high school and very rarely did anyone get killed–although we had our share of pregnant teens.  I’m only slightly kidding.

Anyway, times have changed and the trend is to go private school if you can afford to, but if everyone starts going to private school, isn’t private school going to soon develop the same problems as public schools?  Drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, rebellion are all things that come when large groups of people gather together.  You will never escape these things completely no matter where you go.  As long as there is one person who considers himself/herself stronger than another, you will always have conflict and violence.  It’s what humans do.  We find some way to rule over each other.  We may use violence, we may use sex, we may use morality, we may use bribery, or we may use education, but man (and woman) will always attempt to dominate and control a “weaker” or smaller group.

It begins in grade school and it continues all the way to our federal government.  You will never shield your children from some form of the things you fear about public school.  With that said, my answer to the original question you asked (before I went on a rant) is to send your kids to Hoover.  I would probably have sided with you and said send them to private school if you lived somewhere else, but I have two nieces and three godsons in the public school system in Hoover and they love it.  Hoover schools are really good schools to my knowledge, and your children will be safe and properly educated there.

I think that whenever there is a good solid public school option available, parents should take it and utilize it and then take the money that they would have spent on private school and start a fund for your children.  Let me use my son as an example. My son will actually be going to private school because I do not live in a good school district, but that has nothing to do with the savings plan I have for him.  When he was a baby, I bought him a large whole-life life insurance policy and I contribute $100 a month into a mutual fund plan for him.  It’s my hope that when he comes of college age, there will be enough money from one of these to pay for college.  If he chooses not to go to college, then there’ll be a nice chunk of change for the down payment on a house one day for him.

Or perhaps there’ll be enough to help supplement his income when he starts a family of his own so that he can choose a job he enjoys and not have to worry about how profitable it is.  For example, what if my son wanted to be a school teacher?  Maybe my investment in his future now will enable him to choose the career he loves and if it doesn’t pay all that well, then he’ll have a few hundred dollars a month rolling in to help him and his family live a good middle class life.  Jo, you and your husband Eddie share one common wish, and that is for your children to have good futures.  Perhaps you should just start preparing for those futures now with investments and not place it all on the shoulders of what kind of education they will receive.  In your situation, the public school option is good and safe.  Go with it.

2 Responses to “Friends Call First | Taking Back her Boyfriend | Public vs. Private”

  1. Alice Cork says:

    Love your columns! always good advice!!!!

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