Mean Girls | Horning in | The Secret


Mean Girls

Micah,

My daughter is 11 and you know how much any little thing can affect an 11 yr old.  She was not invited to a classmate’s sleepover party and she took it pretty hard.  I thought about calling the classmate’s mother to get my daughter invited before the party happened but my husband told me not to.  Since the party took place and she had to hear all about it at school I have debated calling the classmate’s mom and letting her know how much this hurt my daughter, but I don’t think that would help the situation.  My daughter has plenty of friends, but with girls this age when one of the “popular” girls excludes someone the others start pulling away.  I think that’s what’s happening here.  Should I have a meeting with the teacher?  Should I actually call the other mother after all?  Do I throw a party and exclude the popular girl and make her look like the unpopular one?  What do you think I should do to right this situation?

Patty

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Dear Patty,

I would advise none of the above as my answer, with one exception.  If, and I mean a strong IF,  if you have reason to believe that more is going on–perhaps a bullying type situation–then I would request a meeting with the teacher to get more information.  However, if all that has happened so far is the party snub, then this doesn’t sound like a bullying situation yet, although it could be the start of one if all of the other girls are beginning to pull away from your daughter.

You have to get in front of this situation and head it off before it escalates to the point where your daughter becomes the focus of everyone’s spite.  A party sounds like a great idea to combat this, but do not snub the popular girl that snubbed your daughter.  That would be the stupidest thing you could ever do.  You want to woo this girl and get her to start thinking that your daughter is someone she wants as her friend.  You don’t fight fire with fire.  You fight fire by calling a fireman.  You fight this party snub by calling a DJ, a caterer, a hairstylist, and a manicurist so that you can throw a party that everyone will be talking about for weeks.  Give this party everything it needs to convince this pack of followers that they need to be following your little angel.  The popular girl will have to befriend your daughter if she has any hope of keeping control of the pack.

If it seems I am speaking of all of these girls like they are animals, it’s because they are.  Kids play the same manipulative games as adults do, only meaner.  Right now, the popular girl is Top Dog, and your daughter is lagging behind the pack, and the pack is starting to turn on her.  A great party will convince Top Dog that your daughter needs to be part of the pack because she won’t want to miss out on any more fun events.  So use every trick in the book.  Hire a DJ to play music for the girls in your living room.  It doesn’t have to be so loud that the neighbors complain, but even just having him play music at regular levels is going to impress these girls.  Hire a small inexpensive caterer to serve something the kids will like and really hit them hard with fun desserts.  It will impress the kids that you didn’t just open a bag of chips and pour Pepsi into Solo cups.

Also, see if you can get your hairdresser, or maybe an apprentice hairdresser at your salon (someone who’s inexpensive and who would do it for the fun and experience) to come in and curl and style all of the girls hair.  Maybe have them all get fancy updos for the sleepover!  That could be fun.  Have a manicurist there to paint their fingers and toes while they lay around requesting songs from the DJ and eating chocolate petit fours!  You get the idea.  Throw a sleepover inviting all of the girls, and put your daughter back in the game.  And it is a game.  Life is one big chess game and you have to start anticipating future moves and forecasting what all the other players are going to do.  Tattling to the mother that your daughters feelings are hurt isn’t going to garner your daughter any respect among her peers.  But a kick-ass sleepover party-a-rama will!

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Horning In

Dear Micah,

Every Saturday afternoon my husband takes our daughter out somewhere for some father daughter time.  It all started when I was having to work on Saturdays and they chose that time to do something together.  I don’t work on Saturdays anymore and now I want to join them and make it a family day but my husband told me no.  I couldn’t believe it.  It really hurt my feelings.  He said that he wants that time all to himself but I feel like our daughter would enjoy it more if we were all involved as a family.  She’s almost 14 now, and I think we could find more fun things to do together if I am involved too.  She might want to do something girly on Saturdays from time to time and her father isn’t the one to do that with her.  We decided to let you decide if a family day is better than just a Daddy day.

Tag-along

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Dear Tag-along,

Leave Daddy Day alone.  There are so many fathers out there who have children that they never devote any time to.  Some of these fathers are good fathers, but they still never take their child out for any one-on-one time.  Here you have a man that understands the importance of spending some quality time with his child, and you want to stop that so that you can join in.  There are six other days in the week, you know.  You could pick one of those for family day or even just mother/daughter day.

Just know that the time that your daughter is able to spend with her father is so much more valuable than any girly stuff you could do with her.  She already knows how to be a girl, but what she’s learning with your husband is deeper than that.  Whether she realizes it or not, she’s learning self-worth.  She’s learning about how a man should be–how a father should be.  When it comes time for her to choose her future mate, these Saturdays with Dad are going to be influencing her choices in ways she won’t even realize.

Your husband is also getting something beautiful out of this.  He’s getting to build memories with his little girl that he can carry with him long after she finds herself too busy to hang out with him any longer.  Do not horn in on this time.  You are a very lucky wife to have a husband like this.  Start looking at Saturday as a day when you get some alone time to do the things that you want to do.

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The Secret

Dear Micah,

I am engaged to a wonderful man.  He is a Christian and his whole family are Christians.  I have not told him about something that I should have and I think that I have to be honest before we marry.  I just worry that it could change how he and his family feel about me.  I had a secret abortion a few years back and I haven’t told him.  I have debated whether or not I should.  I don’t think he’d ever be able to find out about it if I chose to keep it secret, but I think the honest thing to do is to tell him before we marry.  Do you agree?

Courtney

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Dear Courtney,

Are you for real, or is this a made up question?  I don’t mean to be insulting if this is real, but it just sounds a little crazy to me.  Maybe I am not as good a person as you seem to be, but I just don’t see why this would even be a question.  Hell no, don’t tell him!  Honesty is only the best policy if there’s a chance the truth will come out.  If you have a secret that can stay secret and doesn’t affect anyone, why tell it?  Your abortion was and is none of his business.  It has nothing to do with him.  Now if you’d had a hysterectomy it’d be a different story, but unless the abortion somehow affected your ability to have more children, then it doesn’t concern him at all.  It certainly isn’t any of his family’s business.

And it’s a little offensive to describe them as Christians in this way, because you’ve made it sound like a Christian would never have an abortion.  Abortion is a personal choice, individual to each woman.  I won’t even begin to try and have a conversation on this topic because I am not a woman and I have never faced this particular dilemma, and therefore, I cannot speak upon this subject intelligently.  However, I will say that there are a lot of women out there who identify themselves as Christian who have had an abortion, so it’s a little rude of you to act like they are somehow awful, hellacious people.

Maybe you don’t agree with the practice of abortion, and that’s okay–as I said, it’s an individual choice.  Obviously at one time it was the choice you made, but it’s okay to regret it now, and its okay to not.  As a Christian, you should believe that your decision was yours and if it’s anyone’s business at all, it’s between just you and your God–nobody else gets to have a say in it.  I personally think that you probably dealt with all of that turmoil way back then, and there is no reason why you should dredge it all back up now.  I bet you’re a good person.  Maybe you feel like your abortion was a huge mistake.  Maybe it was, but it’s done and it shouldn’t define the rest of your life.  Keep your mouth shut, start your new life, and stop fretting over the old one!

One Response to “Mean Girls | Horning in | The Secret”

  1. James J says:

    You’re an angel Micah! You’ve been a very great help to those who have problems. Just continue advising and your good deeds. Keep it up!

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