Ask Micah


 

Bountiful Bridesmaids

Dear Micah,

I have a best friend problem.  Mary Catherine grew up with me and we talk almost every day even though she now lives in Cincinnati.  Beth, I met in college and was my roommate and we have done life together ever since.  She lives here in town.  I am getting married next year.  WHO DO I PICK!  A Maid of honor is too important a job but it is also too important an honor to bestow.  How do I pick.  If I were in a burning building and they were both there, I would just have to let all three of us die before I could manage to pick one as more important to me.  I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  But having two seems silly.  A cousin suggested that she comprise a game of trivia about me and email them and whichever one answers the most correct wins.  Is that dumb?  I know this is a frivolous problem but it’s still a problem.

Kelsey

Dear Kelsey,

I don’t think its frivolous.  You don’t want to hurt one of the two most important people to you.  So why take the chance.  Have both hold that honor and share the responsibilities and the privilege.   I don’t think that’s silly at all.  I had a cousin who had both her father and the grandfather that raised her walk her down the isle because she couldn’t choose.  It was a beautiful thing.  Everyone present will know the why of this situation, and it just adds more beauty and love to an already loving ceremony.  I don’t think there is any other choice.  Both Mary Catherine and Beth should stand beside you on your special day.

 

Hot (and Hate) For Teacher

Dear Ask Micah,

Crazy situation popped up at my house the other night.  So, my brother—a chronic womanizer—started dating, seriously dating a woman.  Its gone on for like three months now which is huge for him.  So, he decided she should meet the family.  Again, huge for him.  I don’t think that’s ever even happened before, at least not that I remember.  My wife and I grilled some steaks and had he and his girlfriend over with my sister and her boyfriend and our parents.  When he walks through the door with this woman my wife pulls me into the bathroom and tells me she is the teacher that she has been battling with at school with our son!  This is the teacher that has infuriated our family because she does not possess the patience or, in my opinion, education, to handle a kid with ADD.  She and my wife have battled extensively.  I don’t have tell you we had an awkward dinner.  Thank God the rest of the family was there to carry the conversation.  It was so tense in places.  So, my brother had the nerve to tell me the next day that he hopes we will stop being so hard on her at school.  She had apparently told him about us on the way home.  It was all I could do to not rip her apart with him.  I don’t know how to deal with this situation.

Jay

Dear Jay,

Wow.  That’s a lot of situation right there Jay.  I see lots of dilemmas with that one.  One you may not even be thinking about is the wrath your son might get from Auntie Teacher if Uncle Womanizer dumps her.  There is a bright side to this though, if you guys can stomach more dinners with this woman, she might grow to like your family and feel a little guilty and show a little more patience with your son.  However, I do see that probably so much water is under the bridge that you and your wife are never going to like this woman and she probably feels the same about the two of you.  The only thing I can suggest is telling your brother that he needs to remain free and clear of this situation and never take a side.  Its his girlfriend, true, but its also his nephew.  She should be able to understand that.  If she isn’t and she makes demands on him to enter the fray that alone might cause him to lose some of his attraction to her.  But you owe it to your brother to try and make a relationship with this woman that might be your sister-in-law one day.

 

Second Chances

Dear Micah,

The article last month about your husband and his depression really hit home for me.  I too have had a spouse battle depression and it wrecked our marriage too.  My wife changed over the years until she became unrecognizable from her former self.  Her depression took many forms like it sounds like your loved one’s did.  She turned to alcohol and drugs and it destroyed us.  We didn’t have any children was the only difference.  I think that may have fueled the depression for her.  We divorced and I moved on with another woman.  We had a child together who is now three.  We aren’t together now although we co-parent pretty well.  My ex-wife though has made a lot of progress in her life with her depression and we have actually reestablished contact over the years.  I have often wondered about the possibility of starting things up again with her.  I think she’s never really gotten over her feelings for me and regrets how we ended.  Do you think it would be a mistake to try again?  I don’t want to risk my heart another time but what we had when it was good was wonderful.  I have a daughter to consider now though and bringing in a person with depression, if she still suffers from it, might be a mistake for my child.  Do you think it would be a mistake?  I figure you might have a pretty good perspective.

Ben

Dear Ben,

I have to say right off that I may be too close to this to give adequate advice.  I just got out of the fray of depression and what it does so I can’t honestly tell you that my advice isn’t colored by my own experiences.  Depressed people are not bad people.  They are people who are hurting and in need of understanding and help.  I have several friends that suffer from depression and their paths have not been nearly as destructive as my husbands ended up being.  It’s all different for different people.  I think that if your ex-wife has gotten treatment and counseling and is doing the work on herself to alter the way her brain processes information so that her depressive triggers are reduced or eradicated then it might be something to consider if you find that you still truly love her.  All I ever wanted in my marriage was for my husband to do the mental work it took to truly battle the dark places his brain took him.  He didn’t have much success with that but it sounds like your ex wife has.  So, if she is the one for you, maybe you should try to give it a chance.  Just be sure she is genuinely better so that you aren’t placing your daughter into a tense situation.  But I have to ask this, even though it isn’t why you wrote in—why aren’t you trying to work things out with the mother of your child?  I get that your heart is stuck on your ex-wife, and maybe you never actually loved the mother of your child, but it seems to me that the relationship with your daughter’s mother might be worth exploring again.  How great for your daughter if THAT was the love that got rekindled and made a successful return.  Give that some thought at least.  There may be a million reasons why that didn’t work out that I am not aware of, but I felt like I should at least plant the seed.  But if your ex wife is the one for you, I think you should try to pursue it again and see if she did the work and made the progress.

If you have a question you’d like to ASK MICAH, email him at micahcargo@gmail.com

 

 

 

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