What are the dangers to a marriage in having two separate bedrooms? My husband is a kicker and a snorer. I get so little sleep that often I am irritable and probably not the best wife anyway. Doesn’t it say something about our marriage to have separate bedrooms? What do you think
Dear D. R.
I think being divorced says something about your marriage but I don’t think separate beds necessarily does. I guess it all depends on the person who has that knowledge. I bet we all know people with separate bedrooms but unless we spend the night with them or tour their house we may not ever know. I do understand what you mean about the connotation though. You aren’t crazy to think someone might think your relationship isn’t sound if you sleep separately, but that’s just one of those knee-jerk judgements that doesn’t really have much basis for support. Just because a couple has two separate sleeping quarters does not mean that they no longer have sex or intimacy. Lots of people that do sleep together rarely have intimacy for a number of reasons. Opposing work schedules, kids co-sleeping with them, pets sleeping with them, etc. there are many reasons that could block out night-time encounters which is why the expression “afternoon delight” became so popular. It seems there are a lot of people these days with sleeping issues like apnea, or restless leg syndrome, or insomnia that can disturb their partner’s sleep with regularity. Sometimes sleep has to trump closeness and when that happens two people find they need to sleep separately if they are going to get any sleep at all. I see nothing in that to be ashamed of. However, if this is a step you personally don’t want to take unless you have no alternatives, try sending your husband to a sleep study. He may have sleep apnea and require the aid of a CPAP machine at night. It’s a little strange to get used to seeing (my husband has one) but snoring goes away and you both get the rest you need once that happens. The best thing is that you don’t have to have anyone leave the bedroom to get any sleep. The kicking part, I can’t help you with except maybe a long wedge pillow between you. But if you decide to just have separate rooms, there is nothing wrong with that. As long as you two do maintain your intimacy I think your marriage will be as strong as it ever was.
I don’t like my girlfriend’s parents at all. At all. They are nosy. They are controlling. Any time we are having a problem they insert themselves into it and cause trouble by getting my girlfriend all worked up. The father is every bit as bad as the mother. My girlfriend and I have a really good relationship when they aren’t wedging themselves into it. Lately we fight more and more and it always has something to do with them. I have had a few run ins with her mom over things she’s said and done. We work it out after the dust settles but then she starts right back up again the next time my girlfriend is mad at me over something. All of our little mundane problems get blown up out of proportion. I tried talking to them and that doesn’t work. I am thinking about taking a job I’ve been offered out of state and asking my girlfriend to go with me just so we can get away from them. Do you know of any other ideas I could try besides just leaving town?
You can’t get away from this problem because the problem is not only your girlfriend’s interfering parents but also the fact that your girlfriend blabs all of your problems to them. And even if they weren’t around she sounds like the type that’d blab to someone. Maybe it’d be an interfering friend instead of an inferring mom, but the root of the interfering is your girlfriend’s broadcasting of your issues. You say you two have a great relationship when they aren’t interfering but it doesn’t sound much to me like you do. To me it sounds like you have a girlfriend that you keep having tiffs with and then she runs to Mommy and Daddy and bad-mouths how you’ve disappointed her and then they jump in defending her and advising her on how mad she should be at you until the whole thing is a big mess. It all boils down to two things: your girlfriend is a dramatic shit-stirrer and her parents don’t actually like you. You already said you don’t like them. Their feeling is mutual. That isn’t ever going to change. If they liked you even a little bit they’d be trying to calm their daughter and get her to talk things out with you reasonably. They’d be a help to you during problems not fuel for the fire. These people do not support your future with their daughter and she sounds too tied to them to stand on her own. Don’t you think you might deserve to experience what it is like to have a woman in your life whose family really likes having you in their lives? Wouldn’t that be nice to feel wanted and welcomed for a change? I think spending another month with this woman might be wasting a month that you could be spending finding a better match for you, but that’s your thing to decide. But since you asked me, I wouldn’t move anywhere with this woman. You may want to take that job and start fresh but I wouldn’t drag that albatross with me if I were you.
I have a silly problem but it keeps driving me crazy. The guy I date uses bad grammar. He’s not a dumb guy. I guess he just has grown up with incorrect usage. I have gently corrected his sentence structure from time to time, but he isn’t getting better.
It will get better with lots of time and repetition of you correcting him. If there are no other issues between you then his pride can handle a grammar check. I used to pronounce the word “apples” as “opples” for some odd reason and I pronounced “ought” as “ort” until my now husband made fun of me enough that I started getting used to saying them correctly. He still says them the old way to me though sometimes to make fun of how I used to be so—in fact so much so that now that is how he says them around me. But you get my point. For me, I have two unforgiveable grammar-fails. Anytime you hear someone say the word “especially” and pronounce it “expecially” you have Micah’s permission to punch them directly in the face as hard as you can. I don’t care if it’s an 85 year old woman. I hate that pronunciation. My other one is a tense issue. I hate to hear someone say something like “we had went to the movie.” You cannot “had went” anywhere. It isn’t physically possible without a time machine. Went is the past tense of go. “went” doesn’t need to be propped up with the word “had’ before it. It drives me crazy. They seriously “ortta” stop.
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