Dear Ask Micah,
The room mom of my daughter’s daycare class is ridiculously lazy. She assigns other moms the tasks but never does any work herself then takes all the credit for the wonderful event she put on. She is also terrible with remembering important duties of being a room mom. For instance she forgot the teacher’s birthday. Luckily I knew it and I got her flowers for the room to give her. I had thought this year maybe I’d get chosen to be the room mom since I do most of the work but no, they chose her again. Should I just stop helping and making her job easier or should I speak up and say something about it.
You really want to be room mom don’t you? I get it, you would get to be in control and get all the recognition. We all enjoy that. But I don’t think this is so important that you should cause such friction in the class, particularly over a job that really only has anything to do a few times in the year. It is really doubtful that anyone would hear your complaint and say “You know what Elaine’s right! Let’s take this job away from Claire and give it to Elaine.” No what is more likely to happen is everyone will think you are some control freak mom and that isn’t going to help your kid have playdates and friendships. Leave it alone and then next year just admit openly that you’d like to try to be room mom. I am sure then they would reflect on how much you’ve done in the past and give it to you. But remember moving forward, because you have many years of school left to traverse, it is never a good idea to be the vocal, complaining, judgey parent. No one likes her. No one.
A Hunting They Will Go
I was wondering what you thought about a problem in my household right now. My husband has all these fond memories from is childhood of going hunting with his dad and uncles. I’ve heard about those hunting days for years but he hasn’t actually hunted any since we’ve been married. I am very anti-hunting. I am also anti-gun. He knows that about me. Now he wants to take our son hunting this season and I am against it totally. He has our son on board with his side and I have two to fight now. I am his mother and these are really strong beliefs that I have. It seems really disrespectful to me and my feelings for him to disregard my wishes and make plans to take him hunting when the season starts.
I hear you and understand your passion on this subject. It’s a tricky one. It’s tricky because as a parent we want our kids to follow in our path and believe in the same causes in which we find merit. Unfortunately, children grow up to be their own people and they don’t always find our beliefs to match their own. I don’t know how old your son is but it may be that he is never going to share your views on guns or hunting. It’s clear that your husband doesn’t share them, he has just ignored his desire to hunt for the years you’ve been together out of respect to you. So he has been respecting your wishes. But something has changed now that his son is older and he wants to share something with him that meant a lot to himself in his childhood. I don’t see anything wrong with that. In my family the boys always eventually ended up out in the woods with our grandfather hunting. I tried it once just because he wanted me to go so much, but I quickly learned my place on Saturday mornings was with my grandmother at the beauty shop listening to all the gossip on everybody. But my point is, hunting is a tradition men share together, particularly in the south. Your husband has a right to share things that were special to him with his son. Your son has a right to go and see if it’s something he enjoys. It could be that your son will go once and hate it, as I did, but he deserves that chance. Whether you agree with hunting or not, this isn’t about you. This is about your husband finding something he can share with his son. Its bonding time for them. Look down the road a few years. There is going to be a time in your son’s life when he needs some guidance from someone he respects and admires—Moms can be these people too but in many cases the son wants the guidance from another man. The bonds made on those hunting trips may be the very thing that causes Dad to be the one he goes to for advice rather than some random friend. You should really want your husband to connect with your son at every opportunity because there will be so many things that come along in life that will try to disconnect your son from the two of you. Friendships, hardships, romantic relationships, out of state college acceptance, out of state job opportunities—so much that will come along that threatens to divide you. Do not fight any opportunities for bonding and closer cementing your relationship to your child. If Dad wants to take his son hunting, it is his right to do so. I am fairly certain he will teach him the proper safety measures. I personally don’t feel like you have the right to interfere in this one. Dad gets to have his wants and beliefs respected as well from time to time.
Can’t Get Over You Getting Over Me
My ex-husband got married again the other day and for some inexplicable reason I appear to be devastated by this. I can’t stop crying. I have poured through old albums and mementos. I can’t stop thinking about him and our life together. I keep replaying memories in my head and questioning where it went wrong. WHY! He was a total jerk! We have been divorced for five years. I am well over this whole thing. I moved on with my life. We have seen each other a couple of times in that five years. Once when our son graduated college and again when our daughter had her first baby. I was fine. Didn’t have any sadness at all when I was around him. Now I am devastated at the loss. The worst of it is that my daughter is about to have her second child and I know I will see him and his new wife at the hospital. I don’t know how I will handle this. Help me figure this out please.
I don’t think your reasons for this happening are all that inexplicable as you say. Obviously if you have grown children who have graduated college and are having babies now, and since you just got divorced five years ago, that tells me that the two of you had been married for a long time. I’d guess about 20 years. It is very understandable that his remarriage might hit you harder than you expected. You must have still had a lot of hidden feelings tucked away inside that you hadn’t quite dealt with. His marriage is forcing you to deal with them. Strange as it may seem to you, it’s quite possible that somewhere in your mind you held a fantasy of eventual reconciliation. That doesn’t mean that you necessarily wanted this man back, it just means that you had a fantasy of him wanting you back. Or perhaps it was a desire to have the original man you married back before the changes in life altered who you both were and made you eventually incompatible. It’s so easy to still love the person who doesn’t exist anymore. It sounds to me like maybe he’s the man you are mourning. The guy who made all the good memories with you. You let the jerk you divorced go and got over him, but the other guy, the original guy that you loved so much and made two children with, you never took him out of the vault and dealt with saying goodbye to him. Now you are. It’s all very complicated to think about. All you really need to understand is that there is nothing crazy about what you are feeling. Most people just feel it earlier than you are, usually during the divorce process. Your mourning was just delayed a little. It might be a good idea to get some counselling for a few weeks to help you sort it all out. And just keep in mind when you see him that at the end of the marriage the two of you were not a good fit. No matter what happened in the early years, the latter years didn’t work and you parted. You are not the same people that you were when you first got together, so the marriage you are mourning did not exist at the end and would not exist now if you got back together. This new wife loves him for who he is today. You didn’t. You said that guy was a jerk. Your love for him is based on who he once was. He isn’t that guy now. So wish her luck and try to not spend too much time missing a person who isn’t even in existence anymore.
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