Bi-Polar


GlamourBy Lee Ann “Sunny” Brown   

 

The weather report: 50 and hot! Warning: Expect extreme changes in temperature. Prepare yourself for any and all weather emergencies. Dress accordingly.

Something strange is going on with the weather. With the temperatures dipping and peaking from morning to night, it feels like I am on a wild and crazy rollercoaster ride. One minute I seem to be freezing and the next it’s burning up. How am I supposed to prepare for that? What am I supposed to wear? Everyone tells you to dress in layers but I feel like I am changing clothes so often that I need to be wearing my entire closet. And it isn’t acceptable to perform a striptease everywhere you go, such as in some of the nicer restaurants. Actually, it’s frowned upon in every restaurant I’ve been to lately. Really, they don’t like it. They take that whole “No Shirt, No Service” thing a little too seriously IMHO. When a woman starts to remove her clothes it really gets them hot under the collar. What’s a girl to do in the middle of a heat wave? She must depend on the kindness of strangers.

One night a few weeks ago we went out to dinner, and I didn’t bring along a jacket because well, I was absolutely burning up when I left the house. I mean it was a sweltering 40 degrees outside. Shortly after we were seated I began turning blue, and since my husband didn’t have a jacket with him, I ever so slowly began pulling the tablecloth off the table and wrapping it around my shoulders. A sweet, older gentleman sitting at the table next to us felt so sorry for me that he brought over his jacket for me to use. It was so sweet of him, and his jacket was so nice and warm. I just didn’t have the heart to return it to him three and half minutes later when I was dying of heat stroke. He was just so happy that his kind gesture had made me so happy. How could I take that away from him? And, of course, if I took it off, I couldn’t very well just hang it on the back of my chair while his poor wife sat there and froze, even though I knew that in just a minute or two, she wouldn’t want it either. And too, how would I ever get it back from him, when I would invariably need it again nine minutes later? So, I just sat there, with that suffocating jacket on, getting hotter and hotter and turning redder and redder for the next hour. I drank pitchers of cold water. In fact, I wanted to pour it over my head and drown myself. I told everybody at our table to hurry up and eat, and no one was allowed to order dessert. Finally, we were finished, and I had my husband return the jacket. I hoped it would drip dry before he was finished with his dinner.

This crazy weather isn’t just causing a problem with choosing how to dress appropriately; it’s also causing a problem about what to do with my hair. I wear it down to keep me warm and then, in no time at all, my neck is absolutely on fire, and up it all goes. Then suddenly there is a chill and down it comes again, over and over and over, all day long. I wish the weather would just make up its mind.

And, strangely enough, it affects the inside temperature, too. I am constantly changing the thermostat from heat to AC. Basically, if I’m not cold, I’m hot. There doesn’t seem to be a comfortable middle ground. And it doesn’t seem to get any better when the sun goes down, either. The nighttime just brings its own highs and lows. And my husband doesn’t help. I mean, he really heats things up at night. Seriously, he must be a thousand degrees. I feel like he will leave a blister on me if he so much as touches me with one finger. On the other hand, he says it’s so chilly in our bedroom there should be a freeze warning.

It’s not just me; all of my girlfriends say the same thing. We know that Global Warming is real. We can feel it. This is no gradual warming trend. It’s an instantaneous heat wave. And just as they say, it invariably causes flooding from the melting thaw. And so it goes on and on, a vicious arctic circle.

I’m certain all of this has something to do with the cows or something like that. Or maybe it has something to do with my mother. Isn’t she the one who is usually to blame for everything? Whatever the cause, no matter what the Weather Channel predicts I can always count on it being sunny and hot at 50!

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