Blockbuster Season


Suggestions for the summer from a media nerd.

By J’Mel Davidson

Hello.

My name is J’Mel, and I’m here to help.

How? Well, if you are still having a hard time figuring out things to do after reading the rest of this fine local magazine, then you come see me. I’m your friend and I’ve been in your shoes more than I care to admit. Let’s face it, sometimes you’re gonna have to stay inside and when you do, you have to decide what to watch.

That’s where I come in. I know movies. I’ve devoted half of my life to writing, writing about, seeing, arguing about, and collecting movies. I’ve devoted the other half to chasing women. I have more luck with movies, though. Right, fellas?

So…

I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I know what I like and I’m here to share these things with you. You may agree, you may disagree but at the end of the day, you’ll learn something about love.

Okay, let’s be honest here—I’m gonna talk about other things, too. But ultimately, they will all come back to some sort of weird metaphorical pop culture point. Because I’m a media nerd. A big brown sexy geek with a brain for remembering things that will never help me out of a jam. I know the name of the dog from Hart to Hart. Do you? You do? If you’re a redhead, email me.

So, enough preamble, let’s jump in, shall we?

Here we are, at the beginning of the best movie season of the year: the Summer Movie Season! Explosions and sequels and multimillion dollar spectacles based on cereal mascots! I’ll try my damnedest to see every single one of these movies, as long as they don’t involve daytime vampires or boy wizards. Are they done with those yet? I’m not a middle aged secratary, so I don’t care! I want robots!

But, some folks can’t afford to drop 20 bucks every week to see Captain Kirk battle Nazi sharks in space.

Hell, neither can I.

Luckily, since I got this cherry gig at the B-Metz I get to see everything I want for free (Right…? Guys?)

But, there is no reason to fret. Where it used to be a year or so before you could scamper down to the Mom and Pop Video Store to rent the new Police Academy chapter you missed, now you can have the summer hits in your home in less that four months time!

So, why not just wait it out and create the movie going experience in your own home?

All you need is a decent HD LED television. Most of the time, the film will look better in your home than it does in the theater. Drop by the Dollar Tree. They have ALL the same candy you’d find at the theater, but for $5 less! To really recreate the movie–going experience, have your girlfriend or mother hide the candy in her oversized purse along with a 42–ounce Coke Icee!

“You can’t re–create movie popcorn at home!” said the naysayer in the Hot Topic Ramones T-shirt.

Shut up!

1) You’re and idiot and 2) the Ramones sucked! Everyone knows that K-Mart snack bar popcorn is dope as hell, and a perfect substitute when you don’t want to drop $7 on buttery movie theater manna.

Now, hire a local teen to sit directly in front of you and use a smart phone to text Sabrina and Chad during the entire film. You’ll want to hit them in the head with a bag of frozen hamhocks, but sadly it’s just as illegal in your home as it is in the theater. Find a few Mexican folks to sit close to the television, and have the one English–speaking one translate the film to the other six. Is that racist? How? It actually happens!

Shut up!

True story: I went with my Mother to see Lord of the Rings III: Still Ringing, and a woman showed up with a crying 2-year-old and plopped down in the front row. The baby started to cry almost immediately, probably because she wasn’t familiar with the in–depth back story of all the pixelated creatures on screen, or probably because she was scared of the film’s length. Eventually, though, an audience member complained to a manager, and he came in to ask her to leave. Then, hilariously, the woman turned and yelled at the audience! “Which one of you cowards had the nerve to snitch on a 2-year-old!?” Oh, how I wish it had been me. I’d drop dime on a preemie if it meant regaining my enjoyment of Frodo and Spock. (I don’t remember the plot…)

Here’s my point—going to the movies is a magical and wonderful adventure that’s overly expensive and can easily be ruined by a single mother with no grasp of the social contract we all agree to live by. It is just like dating.

But I keep doing it anyway because, like dating, it’s better than sitting at home watching old reruns of Sliders. Unless, it’s the episode where the giant wasps attack.

That’s a damn good episode.

2 Responses to “Blockbuster Season”

  1. Susan says:

    I’m only commenting because you told me to.

    🙂

  2. Monica says:

    J’Mel is brilliant! Hilarious! Hysterical! I can hardly wait for his next article!! I hope you are paying him the BIG BUCKS!!!!

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