By Luke Robinson
Don’t you just love comic books?
That question is a terrible way to start a date (I learned the hard way), but seriously… Don’t you?
You probably better. Every movie coming out this summer is about a comic book character of some description. So, as The Simpsons’ Mayor Quimby once proclaimed, “If that is the way the wind blows, let it not be said that I do not also blow.”
Therefore, I have decided to incorporate a comics question into this article. (All non-nerds can feel free to stop reading now.) What super hero character would make the best football player?
The choices are obviously limitless, so I will cull the field. I am relegating this list to the Marvel or DC characters I am aware of. None of this weirdo, off-brand Teenage Mutant Ninja Mutant Turtle comic crap. That would be silly and I only deal in real-life possibilities of regular mutants or aliens playing football.
So, let’s get started…
1. Superman: I want to be perfectly clear here: I don’t like Superman. Dude is just too perfect. A flying, handsome, incredibly strong alien with heat and X-ray vision who is bulletproof? Meanwhile his only “disguise” is a pair of reading glasses from a gas station? I have to admit, though, he would be a damn fine footballer. My team could use a guy with that kind of speed. However, I do have some worry here. Superman is such a goodie-goodie right now that I am afraid the temptations of professional football may prove to be too much. His rookie year he’d be all Clark Kent-y. However, pro sports lead to money, fame, and trouble for a lot of uber-talented guys. After a year away from Smallville, Supes would be in the league and his X-ray vision would give him better a look at those pro cheerleaders. He’d go from “Tim Tebow” to “Tim Teboner” faster than a speeding bullet. By year three, he’ll be in rehab facing a yearlong suspension for snorting Kryptonite off of a male prostitute’s back.
2. The Hulk: Again an obvious choice. Hand Hulk football. Hulk smash way to end zone. Hulk show off TD dance. This gamma-irradiated monster is guaranteed to score every time he touches the ball, but the anger issues could lead to enough unsportsmanlike conduct penalties to make Dez Bryant blush. “Coach call play-action? HULK KILL COACH!” That kind of attitude didn’t work for Latrell Sprewell and it won’t work with Hulk.
3. Batman: Call me crazy, but I am leaning towards Bruce Wayne’s alter-ego being the coach versus Bats being a player. Just about everything in his utility belt is illegal on the field so maybe we just let him use his bat-noggin for play-callin’. I can see The Dark Knight being a Lane Kiffin-esque Youtube sensation. As his QB throws a double-reversed touchdown, the camera will catch Batman singing, “Nuh-Nuh-Nuhnuh-Nuh-Nuh-Nuhnuh TOUCHDOWN!”
4. Iron Man: Well, he is wearing pads already. He has the cockiness of a young Ryan Leaf and he HAS to be a better passer. The problem is the man inside the suit, Tony Stark, doesn’t follow orders well and in the comics he has had his problems with…uh…“demon rum.” He could be a modern day jock/partier—think Joe Namath with repulser beams—but maybe this billionaire playboy philanthropist is more suited to be a Mark Cuban-style owner.
5. Spider Man: First of all, he catches urrythang. Peter Parker has a natural Stick-um secreted from his hands. I think he is more of a possession receiver, though. He also has a propensity to go through a lot of teenager/early twenties angst. “Oh no… Mary Jane found out I have a crush on Gwen Stacey”; “I can’t be at practice because Aunt Mae needs me to take her to the hip doctor”; “Sorry I was late—the Hobgoblin was dangling a hostage off of a bridge.” Not sure he is worth a draft pick. Maybe a late rounder.
6. The Flash: Now we’re talking. This guy could literally throw a Hail Mary to himself before the defense got out of its stance. His high metabolism may mean an extra million or so in energy bars for the sidelines, but The Flash is the guy to take my squad to the championship. See you suckas in San Francisco for the Super Bowl in 2016!