An Egg Roll Thanksgiving

J'MelBecause that’s what we really want.

By J’Mel Davidson

How is it November already? It seems like only yesterday I was saying to myself, “2015 is my year!” Nope. Not even close. Not EVEN. Guess I gotta take a wash on that.

I’ll be honest with you guys—I can’t even remember this year. Nothing happened. I mean, nothing of substance, personally. Sure, in the news people said stupid things, brown people got shot, hypocrites were busted for participating in things privately they rallied against in public, school kids and movie theater patrons got shot, The Big Bang Theory is still…sigh…on the television. Oh! There’s a new iPad.

But at the Davidson compound? It may as well have been 2013 all over again. I went to the doctor. I tried to get a kidney donation and failed. I tried crowdfunding and failed. I watched hour after hour of Law and Order and often had no idea what day it was. I’ve settled into a pretty crippling yet familiar rut. And I cannot get egg rolls delivered in this part of town! The city council or Illuminati or whoever decides these things have nixed Chinese delivery in this part of town for the last 15 years! I did discover that you can put together a pretty tasty thin crust pizza with Dollar Tree ingredients. And I found out that you can get chemical burns if you eat an entire box of Cry Babies sour bites. It’s a pain that lingers.

Don’t let my inability to escape the Twilight Zone get you down, though. November means Thanksgiving! A time when we can all come together and eat the same foods we ate last Thanksgiving even though deep down we really want egg rolls. Like sometimes I want egg rolls so hard….

But you can watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving! What’s Thanksgiving without having a gander at this classic? I’m probably gonna skip it because it makes me nostalgic and melancholy and I’m already depressed about the egg rolls. And the hot and sour soup. But you should watch it!

Do you think they had a meeting where they decided that Franklin would be segregated at Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving lunch? Or was it just a given that he’d sit alone away from the other kids because of the year the show was produced? I mean, it’s sort of hard to ignore…maybe it doesn’t mean anything.

Oh! And it’s “Movember,” which, theoretically, I’m participating in since I have a “mustache.” I don’t guess it matters that it takes me two years to grow facial hair (which takes us back to 2013 again).

In all seriousness, though, there is always something to be thankful for. No matter how deep the dark monotony infects you, it could always be worse. So, raise a glass of Thanksgiving juice (citation needed) and toast the suckers who have it worse than you. After all, that’s the point of the holiday! And as you and yours devour a delicious feast of Kung Pao shrimp and crab angels, enjoy the time you get to share with the ones you love. Be thankful.

Okay, yeah—Happy Thanksgiving!

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