First Dates


You’ve got to start  somewhere.

By Paget Pizitz

^ Not "Irish Bob" but he is Irish and if we are talking about dating, I think he'd make it a few rounds.

I liked The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I mean, I really loved this movie. After I saw it, I started researching apartments in Sweden and dyed my hair brown. I did the same thing 10 years ago, but the Goth hairstylist misunderstood me and got it so black, my friends called it blurple. I’d get the same wasp tattoo around my neck that Lisbeth Salander has in the movie, but knowing my luck, someone would think I was calling myself a white Anglo-Saxon protestant and, you know, I’m Jewish. I was at lunch the other day with my boyfriend of two years when an acquaintance of ours came up and exchanged pleasantries with Carter. Our friend left the table without saying a word to me. The next day Carter told me that the mutual friend asked when we had broken up and who was the brown-haired woman he was with at lunch. I can’t imagine this looked like a good date, because my head was on the table, and I was wearing yoga pants and a flannel pajama top covered in ducks and kittens. The night before, we had gone to a lovely dinner party followed by a night of dancing at Birmingham’s finest establishment, Nana Funks, along with Birmingham’s finest foreigner, Irish Bob.

Luckily, I have not had to go on a first date in two years. I never quite recovered from a first date in Washington six years ago when the man told me he had been released that morning from a psychiatric hospital, which he called a paid vacation from work. However, this started me thinking about first dates and how much pressure women AND men place on them. My friend recently got so drunk before a first date that she called the fellow by her dad’s name and passed out in the men’s room. Unfortunately, he’s not going to ask her out again, but in my mind, this begs for a second date. From what the youngsters tell me these days, most first dates are two-hour displays of nerves, insecurities and awkwardness — with occasional bathroom breaks and quick glances of the iPhone. This does not have to be the case. If someone has invited you on a first date, this person wants to get to know you and isn’t looking for a reason to rule you out.

The same stands true for the person that accepts the offer. This person accepted for a reason and it mostly likely wasn’t to ridicule your upbringing or mock your looks. Don’t overthink this first date and kill the chances for a second one. For instance, don’t agonize over whether your date wants a family. Of course, similar life goals are important, but not before you find out his favorite movie is Caddy Shack and that scallops give him hives. Stop scrutinizing what the date means. Every minute you worry about where this may be headed is a moment you lose of witty banter and potential laughs. No one is going to have the eHarmony first date with casual arm touches, endless pasta bowls and golden-pink sunsets. However, if you take a minute to stop being so anxious, it may not be the worst night of your life. Unless, of course, you go out with Christopher from the mental institution. In that case, reach in his man purse and steal his pills when he goes to the bathroom. You’re going to need them.

One Response to “First Dates”

  1. Catherine Bres says:

    Hilarious Paget. You’ve outdone yourself.

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