By Luke Robinson
Well, I am having a baby. I mean, my wife is, of course.
I mean…“we” are. “We” are having a baby! We are having a baby girl, in fact. My wife’s first child, my fourth. One more and I will have my own basketball team (as long as that team is only playing basketball on the X-Box). Two more and I officially become an honorary member of the Duggar family. Four more and I get my own telethon.
It’s going to be an awesome time being a father again. I can’t wait. Literally. It should be noted for the record that I have self-diagnosed adult ADHD, so I am not good at waiting anyway, but I still can’t wait.
Anyhoo, my daughter’s impending arrival has got me thinking: What will the sports world be like when she is a teenager, in the year 2029? I bet it’ll be all weird and crazy and futuristic (cue squiggly lines and dream sequence music as I slowly start looking upward).
In the year 2029, Nick Saban wins his 13th national championship at Alabama, defeating the University of Phoenix in the Swipe Right Tinder Bowl in Key West, Florida. President and Overlord Taylor Swift presents the trophy to the team. The win was particularly satisfying for Saban since he had been the target of an NCAA investigation for making illegal contact with a recruit. However, the Tide eluded penalties when it was determined that “illegal contact” can only be committed between two human beings; Saban, of course, was revealed to be a cyborg in the year 2020.
In the year 2029, to expand its footprint, the SEC brings in four new teams: The University of San Juan, Trump University, Beijing Tech, and Clemson. All four are moved to the SEC West for no good reason at all. Clemson and Auburn immediately begin playing each other every other weekend (just as they seemingly do now). That Mississippi State at Beijing Tech road trip is a real bitch, by the way.
In the year 2029, Auburn’s scoreboard is now so large and advanced it becomes self-aware. Real “artificial intelligence” capable of solving most of the world’s problems. A true tech marvel. However, Auburn Athletic Director Pat Dye IV insists the scoreboard only be used to constantly replay the Chris Davis runback in the “Kick Six” game forever.
In the year 2029, Johnny Manziel, after partying relentlessly for more than a decade and having had more sex than Wilt Chamberlain’s fluffer in the process, announces he will give football one more try. Cleveland immediately signs him to a guaranteed lifetime contract for $12 million per year. At the subsequent press conference, Manziel yells, “PSYCHE, SUCKAS!”, runs out of the room, cashes his check, and heads to Reno on the redeye. He is later found handcuffed to a raunchy hotel room bed naked a la George Costanza in one of those early Seinfeld episodes.
In the year 2029, bridesmaids finally quit using the term “journey” during rehearsal dinner toasts. You know what I mean: when the buzzing girl in the semi-pants suit grabs the mic and says, “When Debbie and Todd first met, who knew that their journey would bring them together here at Applebee’s blah, blah, blah….” It’s not a “journey” when the first date includes heavy petting via some gratuitous over-the-shirt stuff people.
In the year 2029, Cam Newton uses some of the $1.6 billion he made in the NFL and endorsement money to ironically build a computer lab on Auburn’s campus just to piss off “bammers.” Alabama fans don’t care. It does, in fact, piss off bammers, though.
In the year 2029, your soccer–loving friends are still telling you that fütbol will be the most popular sport in the U.S. soon. Spoiler alert: It won’t be.
In the year 2029, Alabama alum A’Shawn Robinson is finally as old as he looked in 2009. Robinson eventually retired from football in 2027, but became a billionaire years before when he started receiving Social Security checks based on his driver’s license picture when he turned 16. No one dared to call him out on it.
In the year 2029, for the ninth straight year, Georgia is the preseason pick to win the SEC. For the ninth straight year, they wind up in a bowl game sponsored by a local car dealer.
In the year 2029, the loudspeakers still play “Cotton Eyed Joe” at Alabama sporting events. Everyone still hates it. Luckily, weed is now legal in all 68 states, and the fans are so high no one really notices.
In the year 2029, I probably have the same haircut I have always had.