Happy Whatever

But here are few encouraging words.

By Paget Pizitz

Happy 2010 my friends! It’s a New Year so let’s celebrate and make this one count! Really, try to put the best foot forward and be the most wonderful version of yourself you can be. Take your bad habits, replace them with healthier ones, rid yourself of negativity, and throw yourself into a positive, bright future…oh wait, shit.

It’s 2013. Scratch that. Never mind. Just do what you can to get by. Try not to gain any more weight; accept the fact that your teeth are always going to have that slight red wine tint; you’re probably never going to get along with your in-laws; your boss will continue promise you a raise that most likely won’t ever happen and the economy will continue to suck. Be content with subpar. Be happy with what you have and try to maintain.

For those of you reading my column for the first time, I pretty much assume this will be your last. Thanks for tuning in, we had a good run. For those of you who are regulars, you know I’m just playing. Without self deprecation, I don’t think I would have any humor at all.

Just be happy you aren’t Louis the cat right now. 2013 has not started off with a bang for this guy. He hasn’t used his litter box since the Regan administration and now refuses to eat anything that isn’t classified as a crustacean or in the salmon family. As a result, he has been shipped off to pet boot camp for the better part of the month. Let’s hope someone can figure out what is wrong with this demon feline before I throw my hands up and enlist him in the armed forces. Trust me, you won’t feel safe and sound knowing Louis is fighting for our country. Maybe I’ll get a new pet this month. I’ve been looking into a komodo dragon. I hear they are prodigious hunters and will wait stealthily until their prey approaches after which they charge forward, rip out its throat, and retreat while it bleeds out and dies of sepsis. That sounds super snuggly for a rainy Sunday. Maybe I’ll check Craigslist and see what I can find.

Let’s move forward because I have a few things to throw at you this month. Because I have the attention span of the Tse Tse fly, they come in no particular order. I overheard a few gems this month and I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t share them. So, let me riddle you this. If you’re going to ask a lady friend out for a date, there are many ways you can go about this. Let me give you one way that is not acceptable under any circumstance. “Would you like to meet me for a drink? Just to be clear, this will be a drink, maybe two, but no dinner.” Had I been in her shoes, my response would be something like “Thanks, I’ll be sure to have a whole meal of food with the guy I meet before you.” And this one is my personal favorite, “I really just signed up for small talk on the first date. If we could keep it to general questions, I’d really appreciate it.” Ah to be single amid a sea of idiots. I mean really, I could piece together letters from Louis’ meow mix and come up with a better text message than some of the nonsense I’ve heard lately…

Now, I’d like to redeem myself from earlier and try to give you a few encouraging words as we look down the beak of 2013. As someone who has always gone against the grain and relied somewhat on shock value, I’d like to emphasize the importance of being with someone who gives you the courage to be the person you want to be. It’s easy to fall into a relationship and feel as though you have to change parts of who you are to fit into a mold someone has created for you. You never want to constrict your sense of self to fit into someone else’s world.

It takes a strong man to love a strong, independent woman. Don’t compromise and fool yourself into thinking you will be satisfied with a weak male. All he will do is stand in the corner, holding your purse and bringing you down.  Don’t ever be afraid to be the woman you really are and ask for what you really want. Don’t let anyone put you in a box and expect you won’t try to break free. I’m sure someone out there is saying, “But Paget, opposites attract.” To this I say, not on this front my friend. While I’ll never be a relationship expert, this isn’t my first rodeo, so try and trust me on this one. For those of you who read my column every month, I hope you have the happiest of new years. For those of you who don’t read my column, thanks for nothing. I actually got you a cat for Christmas, his name is Louis. I’m sending him right over. I hope you have some serious carpet cleaner.

Fight fair, forgive fast and love much…We all need someone who gives us the courage to be the person we were meant to be. I don’t want to constrict my sense of self to fit into someone else’s world.

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