I Hate Ferris Bueller


J'Mel - Ferris BuellerThere I said it. And I’m not too hot on the ‘80s either.

By J’Mel Davidson

 

“Well, America agrees with ME…”

That’s the way I normally leave conversations with my mother when the topics of whether people hate Jaden Smith or if Tyler Perry has any real fans other than black women come up. I say this because I feel confident in my pop culture knowledge. It’s why I got this job at B-Mezzle, and it’s why I’m probably going to be your stepfather one day.

But am I ever wrong? Are there ever occasions when, somehow, the stars simply didn’t align properly and I am rendered completely misinformed and flaccid in my opinion? Nope.

I’m kidding. Sure, there have to be times when I’m wrong about some of this stuff. But, I don’t know when they are because to admit failure is to show weakness, and I won’t give you the satisfaction, random anonymous magazine reader!

Because, there is a sort of an implied expectation when it comes to popular culture. There are things that you’re supposed to love, to appreciate, to hold dear. There are cinematic landmarks, for people in this generation at least, that are supposed to be soaked into your very core as a connoisseur of junk. Yeah.

So here is a list of flicks that you probably love, but I can live without.

First off, I don’t like Goonies. I liked it once, but that was so long ago. Goonies made me want to have cool, awesome friends with individual talents and go on awesome adventures up on Ruffner Mountain. Now, it’s a prime example of how most children in Spielberg productions are insufferable little &^%$#s that talk over each other and completely disrespect any authority figure within earshot, and the only adventure I’d find in the woods of Ruffner would include a forced marriage to a toothless hermit with hooks for feet. Ruffner Mountain is beautiful. Take your kids…but stay on the paths.

I know some people love this flick and have since they saw it. They aren’t completely annoyed by Corey Feldman’s stock smart-ass or confused by every single word Data uttered. Seriously, is he saying “Pinchas of powa?” I still don’t know!!

Geez, Speilberg children are idiots and are obviously brought up in homes where the rod is spared. There is an alien invasion happening, and your father has to tell you more than once to sit down and shut up. I say let the aliens eat her stupid brain. And the raptors and the pirates. Let everything eat her brain!

Know what else? I hate Ferris Bueller. Yeah, I said it. I can’t stand that smug bastard. I’m sure when you watch it, you see a guy that’s literally too cool for school; he has all the answers and everyone, that is, everyone cool, loves him. Everyone knows Ferris. He can do no wrong, and he’s going to get everything he ever wants because he deserves it! Know what I see? An ass. He forces his way into places and situations by lying and ruins the lives of anyone that dares to disagree with his one-sided goals. Ferris Bueller is basically a PG-rated date rapist. Ferris will have his way no matter what, and to hell with what you want or think.

I spent my youth wishing that principal Mooney would catch and murder him. Later in life when I realized that Jeffrey Jones, the actor that portrayed the principal, was a registered sex offender, I assumed that it was somehow due to Ferris Bueller. Not that I forgive Jones. I actually think he’s disgusting, and I hate him for taking away the one character in that stupid movie that I liked. I hope they keep hell hot for him—but, hotter for Ferris.

And, for that matter, I’m not too keen on any John Hughes movies. Not just because any person of color is immediately a ridiculous caricature—that’s if you can even find one. Most of these movies take place in Chicago, and there aren’t any black folks? I hate Illinois Nazis…) remember Poor Long Duk Dong? That actor became a joke to people in China for playing that role. Much like the maids and butlers of America’s “good old days,” he had to take what was offered. It’s not just the white wash, though. I’m not an idiot. There isn’t always gonna be a black friend. We’re all adults here. I hate these movies because I’m not a teenage girl, and I have no character to identify with. I used to think I identified with Duckie, but dressing like a homeless lesbian doesn’t really hold up in the hero department. Unless you really are a homeless lesbian. Then still, that hat doesn’t play. The ’80s sucked.

As we, you and I dear reader, become more acquainted with each other, there are sure to be times when you will disagree with what I have to say in the realm of popular culture, media, and gentleman’s entertainment. And that’s fine. I don’t expect this to be a one–sided relationship. We are here to learn from each other. The first thing to learn, though, is simple: America agrees with me—the good part of America. The part that hates Julia Roberts and thinks that True Blood ran out of ideas one season into its run. Man, that show has no idea what the &@%$ it wants to be.

One Response to “I Hate Ferris Bueller”

  1. Steven Davis says:

    I always found the driving idea behind “Ferris Bueller” more than a bit annoying myself, pretty much for the same reasons. It’s a similar reason why I don’t enjoy the protagonist in the movie “MASH” and “Animal House”.
    In fact, when Cracked.com offered a popular theory that Ferris Bueller was all in the mind of character Cameron Frye(Alan Ruck). This ranks, for me, as one of the better fan theories, along with Obi-Wan Kenobi from the original trilogy being OBI-1, a clone warrior. Unfortunately, George Lucas seems to disregard fan fiction or anything else that might be considered a better idea than his, so…we got what we got.

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