By Trevor C. Hale
Cock-a-doodle do, Huckleberry! The Year of the Monkey has arrived, so Happy Lunar New Year from this Rooster.
The U.S. Chinese restaurant menus of my youth had me believe that because I was born in 1970, I’m a Dog. Although loyal, flea-ridden, and prone to drooling, I never really felt Dog-ish. After moving to Beijing in 2003, I discovered I was actually a Rooster, as my January birthday falls within the 1969 Rooster timeframe. Lunar New Year is typically the first week or so in February—Capricorns and Aquarii pay heed, your animal could so be last year’s. In 2016, the Lunar New Year (obviously dictated by the moon) is Feb. 8.
Since discovering my Rooster-ness, I’ve embraced my inner cock (phrasing!), the characteristics of which include high self-regard (little ol’ me?), a certain flamboyance (meow!), and a proclivity to strut, despite being a chicken in every sense of the word. To help you understand what the Lunar New Year has in store for you, we monkeyed around with fortunes of the 12 animals in the Chinese zodiac.
Monkey (2016, 2004, 1992, 1980)—Congratulations, it’s your year. Your propensity to throw poop is why primates in your peer group stopped grooming you, and it shows. You have an opposable thumb for a reason, so take it out of your behind, put on your big boy pants, and get a real job. And get your damn dirty hands off me.
Rat (2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960)—You’re doing a great job living up to your reputation as vermin. When you’re not dragging slices of pizza down subway steps, you find comfort in dark, wet, forbidding places. And for that reason, you’ll contract and pass on a scorching case of something unseemly this year. Buy Purell by the gallon.
Ox (2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961)—The breadth of your clumsiness is matched only by that of Uranus, which of course is in retrograde. You’ll be maimed by overzealous security at a Trump rally while trying to get a selfie with The Donald. Your maiming will require meds, which will lead to an opioid addiction, which will lead to a stint fighting ISIS to avoid jail, where you’ll most likely be shot by your own troops. Stay in bed this year.
Tiger (2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962)—Slut! A screen grab of your inappropriate Snapchat will cause serious trouble for you this year. Go off social media for a while, then create a whole new gender and own it! Buy a webcam.
Rabbit (2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963)—Your coworkers are sick of your passive aggressive sass. You’re in for another extremely poor performance review. Good news: All meaningful responsibility will be taken from you, so you can play Candy Crush all day until you’re fired. Do something nice for your parents, as you’ll be moving back in with them (again) soon.
Dragon (2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964)—This is an intervention. You’re out of control and you’re scaring the crap out of Khaleesi. We only tolerate you because you’re a rare, supernatural being, but how about being humble for once in your life? Your chronic halitosis is off-putting. You’ll be stalked and killed by a little person this year.
Snake (2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965)—It’s only a matter of time until we catch you, oh forked tongued one. We’re not exactly sure what you’re doing, but we know you’re doing it. And it’s bad. Very bad. You’re going down. Erase your search history. Better: Wipe your hard drive.
Horse (2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966)—An imposter will create a fake Facebook account pretending to be you. Sadly, but not surprisingly, your friends will find them to be more interesting and engaging, and when you ask folks to unfriend the imposter, it is you who will be unfriended. Consider charm school or get thee to a nunnery.
Goat (2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967)—You’re in such rut it’s embarrassing. Your sauce is gamey and your game lacks sauce. Join the circus as a sad clown to mix things up this year. If lucky, you’ll be promoted to bearded lady. Avoid kebab trucks.
Dog (2018, 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970)—We all see through your two-faced, fake loyalty and are sick and tired of your humble-brags on social media (I’ve run out of room for MVP trophies. Sad face. #blessed). You’ll have a very public meltdown on Facebook accusing your partner of cheating. You’ll vow to leave Facebook, posting long and pitiful goodbye messages, only to return after a day. Too late, we already defriended you.
Pig (2019, 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971)—Your second gastric bypass failed so you’ll join CrossFit this year and drive us all crazy with how much you talk and post about it (The first rule of CrossFit: Never shut up about CrossFit.) We liked you better when you were fat, burpee face.
Rooster (2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969)—Dude, lighten up on the snark! Why you putting all that negative energy out in the universe? Karma’s a bitch, cock.
Xin Nian Kuai Le (Happy New Year)! Gong Xi Fa Cai! (Hope you prosper and make bank.)