The Best Shower Gift, Ever!


The Best Shower Gift, Ever!

by Lee Ann Brown

Advice on Good Mom Hair

I recently received an e-vite to a baby shower and thought how appropriate it was for the month of April. I was thinking this because I’d just gotten in from the hair salon and had been turning my umbrella against the windy April showers, trying to keep the rain from drenching my hair. It is a proven fact that when I have an appointment to get my hair “naturalized” it rains. If there is a drought, it is because I have waited too long to get my hair done. If it is drenching for days, it is because I had a complete hair makeover and somewhere very important to go. My family plans all weather-related activities around my hair appointments. If Jerry or James ever needs a little help, they can call me. Anyway, all of this reminded me of some very important information that I feel is my duty to share with any and all of you first-time moms out there.

For the shower gift, I was thinking of buying a book of advice for new moms, and while there are numerous books out there offering an overwhelming overload of advice for mothers-to-be on just about every topic of childrearing, there is one most important piece of advice that I never saw mentioned in any book I have ever read. I want to share it with you now. I want you to learn from my experience and, I hope, be spared at least one painful lesson of parenting.

Not one new parenting book ever offered advice on what to do with my hair. Now, you will find this is of utmost importance, so do not disregard it as a trivial issue. I implore you to read on with rapt attention, and observe the details, for a painful bald spot is all that awaits those who do not heed this advice.

I had heard about the “Mommy haircut” from friends and non-friends alike. Everyone I saw when I was pregnant told me that I would be cutting my hair as soon as I had the baby. Now, I know short hair can be cute, flirty, fun, sexy and chic on the right person. Unfortunately, I am not the right person. On me, short hair is just short. There is no bounce to be cute or flirty. It’s not straight enough to be chic or sexy. I just look like I gave up and got tired. It’s definitely not glamorous! Besides, I really like the versatility of long hair, no matter how often I put it into a ponytail. The problem was that my baby learned quickly to pull himself up, and my ponytail was his favorite thing to use — actually, my hair in general. When I told my husband “not tonight, I have a headache,” I actually meant it! Somehow, another baby came along anyway, and I knew I had to do something about the hair situation, especially after my hairdresser pointed out a bald spot on the side of my head and all the broken ends.

I will tell you that I love going to have my hair “done.” For me, it is a real luxury, like a massage is for other people. Having someone run their fingers through my hair and not leave peanut butter in it is my idea of heaven.  I have a lot of thick hair and no talent for it at all, so it is a real treat for me. I never tell anyone who does my hair because it looks like little kids played “hair dresser” with it when I do it myself, and I don’t want to ruin their business. Another problem was that, as soon as I got home from the salon, my kids couldn’t wait to see “Mommy’s hair” and touch it with their sweet, sticky little fingers. When I get home from the hair salon, my hair is not meant for conversing with anyone under four feet tall, and that is where anyone under the age of say, five, lives. This is grown-up hair, for grown-up conversation. It is not meant for looking down and having it swing and get stuck in my lip gloss or a lollipop.

I simply had to find a solution to my problem, and luckily, I did. I hope you are paying attention, because this will be the best parenting advice you will hear. I bought them a pair of stilts! The next time it was time for me to go to the hair salon, I told them to go get those stilts I bought them and that I would see them in a little while. And it’s been a great investment, too, because later, when they promise to run away and join the circus (I mean, “threaten,” and if you’re doing your job right, they will) they have an act. I believe a parent’s most important job is to prepare her children to support themselves as soon as possible. I do not believe in sending them out into the world without a skill. They  might come back!

I hope this has been a helpful bit of advice for all you glam new moms wondering what to do with your hair and how to keep it from being pulled out of your head by anyone else but you. I can’t help you there. That is just a part of parenting. But now I have to go figure out how to wrap these stilts.•

Lee Ann just finished performing her successful one-woman show, “Confessions of a Glamorous Mind,” and was a finalist in the Stardome Comedy Club’s Open Mic Stand-Up Finale. She can be contacted at leeanndbrown@gmail.com

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