Things Fall Apart


Getting on the Bucket List

By J’Mel Davidson

 

This month was to begin my seven-month breakdown of the films of Dan Aykroyd and all the secret clues contained within that point to the assassination of 2Pac by the Not Ready for Primetime LiberAtion Army, but my incredibly attractive creative editor informed me of my maximum word count then said a swear.

So instead, I thought I’d update my bucket list. As I begin my not-so-gentle transition into my 40s, it occurs to me that there are a few things I really need to do. But, don’t get me wrong, it’s not full of crazy white folk stuff like jumping off bridges and wrestling a dolphin. My list is pretty sad. But I guess that’s subjective. And I’m the subject, so it’s awesome.

So, here are a few entries from my Awesome Bucket List:

1. Learn to swim. People tell me that it’s important that I learn. I don’t really see the point. I never plan on being in a situation where I “have” to swim. On the other hand, I really want to visit the Schlitterbahn because middle-aged women in swim suits are my jam. Plus, recently, I almost drowned in about three feet of water. My cousin pushed my head under water when I was very young, so I point to that as the reason why I’m terrified of trying to hold my breath while submerged. I suppose it could be worse, though… he could’ve pushed my head into a middle-aged woman in a swimsuit. Then, what would I pine after?

2. See the ocean. I suppose you think this is related to the last entry, but you couldn’t be more wrong. I have no intention of getting into the ocean—unless it’s Billy Ocean. That man is an underrated genius. No, I have no desire to get impregnated by a jelly fish, so my motto for huge bodies of water is, “Look, but don’t touch.” Plus, I’m sure we all remember a little film from the 70s that taught us that it was indeed not safe to go into the water. That film was Shock Waves. Google it.

3. Visit Vegas. I’m actually going to Vegas next year, and it should be a blast! Indoor roller coasters (I’ve never ridden a roller coaster), huge buffets (that I can’t really take advantage of because of my recent weight loss), legalized brothels (which I can’t afford to take advantage of, but I still plan on going and standing in the parking lot and giggling), and the man who taught me and a lot of my peers to improvise, Sean Critchfield. If you’ve seen me in a show and liked it, Sean is the reason. If you’ve seen me in a show and hated me, too bad. Your mother likes it!

4. Wear more suits. I’m quickly approaching the age where a black man has to make a choice: Suit and hat or matching shorts set. While I can appreciate the comfort of a silk shirt and shorts with Biggie Smalls and 2Pac high-fiving in Heaven printed on them, I think I’d be doing a disservice to my ancestors by not going the nice, sensible suit path. Plus, an older black man in a suit has all the answers. I can just sit at the barber shop or at the bus stop dispensing wisdom to anyone in my line of sight. It’s my destiny! Plus, my legs are too pretty and hairless for regular shorts wear.

5. Create a piece of art that causes tears of joy. I can remember the exact moment that I decided I wanted to make movies. It was more than 20 years ago, and it came after seeing a piece of art that made me cry. That’s what I’d like to do. Honestly, if you read this article and cry afterwards, then you should message me immediately. And if you’re a middle aged woman in a swimsuit when it happens, then that’s even better.

6. Date a chesty Asian woman with unnaturally colored hair. Hey, I’m a simple man with simple needs. *Wink*!

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