Up the Rung and Over the Deadbeats
I am up for a certain position at work that could propel my career forward leaps and bounds. I want this thing very much. I think I stand a good chance of getting it. As far as I can see the only thing that could work against me is a couple of very close friendships with co-workers. I don’t know how to explain it except to say that this is a position of authority and it would go to a really company-minded sort of person. It requires a take-charge personality and someone who is willing to take the lead on projects and direct others on the task. My friends are great friends personally but they are not very career driven or company minded. They have husbands who primarily support their households and their jobs are just jobs to them. I love these two women but I have to distance myself from them a little if I want to be taken seriously for this spot. My question to you is what is the best way to go about this without hurting feelings or causing friction at work, which won’t help my cause.
Honesty. Sit your friends down and tell them the truth. Tell them that you really want that position and so for a while you are going to have to focus heavily on work and probably appear to be a little bit of a suck-up in their eyes. I’m not calling you a suck-up for wanting to excel in your office—but to two slackers who probably gossip about all of the “serious” people, you are going to look like a suck-up. Just tell them the truth and tell them that you may be occupied for a while trying to compete for this spot, but that you are still their friend.
You might also point out that they would rather have a friend in this position than one of the people they dislike. If you are going to be in a position of power where you will be in charge of projects and direct others, then you need to be able to navigate something as simple as getting two friends to support you professionally. If you can’t get them on board when you already have friendship and affection, then you aren’t going to be a very effectual leader for the office.
Practice your skills now and get these two in your corner. Let them know that you have to start putting some distance between you and your close circle at work if you are going to be in the running for this spot, because someone with the baggage of having tight personal relationships at work is going to be passed over. No one wants to work under someone who has “favorites,” so you have to stop having your friendships so “in the face” of everyone else. They may say they understand, but in truth they are going to resent you and talk about you behind your back. They may also cause you some grief down the road, but hopefully all of that will happen after you have won the job. Then at least you have won the opportunity to prove yourself.
The Eager Ex
Had a girl years back I was crazy about. I mean crazy about. This was the one I wanted to marry. She wasn’t ready to settle down and we dated other people. She ended up moving away and marrying one of the other people. I never stopped thinking about her. Found out she’s getting a divorce and moving back home. Is there a proper wait period I should follow or do you think I should just jump in and call her? I really don’t want to let her get away this time. I know she’s bound to have changed some but I think I’ll still feel the same about her when I see her. So my question, do I wait or do I go for it right now before another guy gets there again?
I wouldn’t worry about her changing very much from what you remember. Someone said once “People rarely change. They often decompose but they rarely change.” This woman probably has some mileage on her heart, but she’s probably basically the same person inside and out. And yes, I think you should strike while the iron is hot, but take along a few warnings first.
Do not be over eager with her. People are always uncomfortable around people who are too excited to be at the party. She is in the process of ending a marriage. She probably isn’t in a mind frame of rekindling an old romance and becoming exclusive with a new boyfriend.
Take it slow. Just call her and tell her that you heard about her marriage ending. Tell her that you are very sorry to hear that she has been going through a rough time.
Follow her cues. She may want to chat and catch up with you. If so you can chat briefly about yourselves and end that chat with a request for a date. If she doesn’t seem to want to chat then end the call as quickly as you can before it gets too awkward. Just tell her as you hang up that whenever she finds that she is ready to begin dating again, you’d love to take her out if she is interested. Then end the call and do nothing else.
If she wants to go out, she will call you. The key here is to not scare her off with your eagerness. Clearly you have never gotten over this girl. In your reality, the two of you shared something very special, and she made a mistake and chose the wrong guy. You are anxious to correct that mistake and resume the romance and give her a “do-over.” That is very generous of you. But she may not view your past together in the same way. Remember she wasn’t ready for a commitment with you and she opted to date (and marry) someone else.
If she agrees to go on a date with you now, you need to approach it from scratch and start all over trying to woo her, but without changing who you are. Who you are might be exactly what she needs now, and she will remember how you used to be with her; if she agrees to a date you it is that man she is agreeing to see. So be yourself without scaring her off with too much pressure. She just ended a marriage. It is highly unlikely that she wants to rush into a new commitment with anyone else at this time. Just date, wait, and see. Oh, and if she never calls you back, you can try one more time about two months from now and then let it go and never give her a second thought. Give your kind of commitment and affection to another woman out there that is as eager to receive it as you are eager to give it.
I am an avid reader. The written word deepens my thought processes and entertains my spirit. I get so much out of reading. It bothers me that my husband never reads anything outside of sports articles. I try to have discussions with him on topics I’ve read and he can only loosely participate. It drives me crazy. Any suggestions on how to get him to put down a magazine and pick up a book?
Some people read and some people don’t. I don’t think you can change people’s interests with any kind of permanency. Let me use myself for example. I never read books in high school. They all seemed so boring. I was lucky enough to be able to bluff my way through tests to get passing grades, but I never read a single book in school.
Part of me blames the teachers, because I look back on it and realize that they could have made it more interesting. Had someone told me that The Scarlet Letter was about a woman having an affair with a minister and then getting knocked up and punished by the townspeople, I might have read it! My teachers just assigned a book and then very drearily discussed it after the assignment was turned in. It was only in college when professors revisited some of these old books that I learned how intriguing these stories were. Or perhaps I was just older and mature enough to take my assignments seriously. Who knows? I still recall my high school literature teachers as being as dull as dishwater.
Regardless, I have spent the early part of my life avoiding books. Then in my 20’s and 30’s I read pretty often. Now I am back to rarely reading anything but a magazine article. I try to start a book, but my mind wanders. The day-to-day tribulations of my own life fill my mind and I don’t have time or room in my head for someone else’s written thoughts. I do love a good biography, though. I periodically go through biography phases.
Anyway, Lisa, what I am saying to you is that your husband is never going to be a big book lover. Get over it. Join a book club if you need to discuss. And then find something you are both interested in when you want to connect mentally with him. You may resent his not sharing your love of the written word, but have you joined into his love of sports and learned all about RBI’s and player stats and so forth? His interests are just as important to him as yours are to you. Just saying.
If you have a question you’d like to ASK MICAH, please email it to MicahCargo@hotmail.com. Some questions may appear in the print version of B-Metro, online at b-metro.com, or on Micah’s business website SanctuaryHomewood.com.