What you talkin’ ‘bout?

The challenge of dating might be having something interesting to say.

By Paget Pizitz


Well, it’s November again, and you all know what that means. It’s time for Louis Pizitz to dust off his pilgrim costume and dress up as a colonial person of yesteryear. It’s also the time of year when we all give thanks for something.  Most people give thanks for family, health, and happiness. This year, I have a new suggestion for you. Why don’t you give thanks that five years ago it was not you at the humane society picking out what seemed to be an adorable, lovable kitten who actually grew into a vicious, pint-sized wildebeest who plots various methods of terror and torture while you slumber?  Give thanks for that. Trust me.  Your life is far less complicated and in much less danger. Enough about that ferocious feline. Let’s talk about dudes.

Have you ever gotten the feeling when you’re talking to your friend over coffee that she’s actually planning her grocery list, thinking about what color to paint the bathroom, or dreaming of a basket of puppies dressed up in nautical attire? If all you can talk about is men and relationships, then your hunch is probably dead on. Let me tell it to you straight: if you don’t have goals beyond relationships or put yourself first, no one will want to stick around for the long haul, at least no one interesting or worthwhile. I have the occasional friend who seems to have nothing on the brain but mens, mens, mens. Imagine how terrible that must be for the date she’s on. I’ll bet while pretending to listen, he is actually thinking about puppies dressed as sailors. Well, that or football, but certainly not the interest level of the date he is on. You have to be the best version of yourself you can for another person to truly want to be with you. Let’s take it back to the postal service for a minute.

Imagine yourself as a FedEx box. I’d want the one at my doorstep that says express delivery, precious goods inside. I would turn away the one that came smashed, smelling of a wolf’s den with a sign reading “damaged goods, handle with care.”

Do you have a job that you can talk intelligently about? Good. I love a damn TPS report, and I’ll bet your date does too.  I also imagine the more you focus on yourself and your own interests, the more interesting you’ll actually become. I would also go so far as to say the less time you spend focusing on men, the more time you’ll have to develop yourself. I would then go on to say perhaps everything else in your life will start to fall into place. However, that’s just a guess. I am not certainly not a soothsayer, and  I gave up fortune telling when I was 9.  However, that does remind me of  my dad’s favorite joke to tell every time we go out to eat Chinese food. “Paget, you’ll never guess what my fortune says: ‘HELP. I’m being held captive in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.’” It’s really best told in person, so why don’t you give him a call. Let’s be honest, he has the free time and he loves to eat some damn Mongolian Beef.

2 Responses to “What you talkin’ ‘bout?”

  1. bored reader says:

    this is the same story each month. I get the feeling Paget just opens up the previous month’s word document, and changes a few things (halloween outfit for her cat becomes thanksgiving outfit for cat) – how exactly did Paget get this column, and why doesn’t my 12 year old daughter have one, too? [rhetorical, I assume she got it from having the last name Pizitz as it sure is not writing talent]

  2. Sarah says:

    Amen to that! This vapid rubbish is a waste of cyberspace and most certainly space in a magazine.

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