Sleep Talking

Sweet dreams are made of this?

By Luke Robinson

You guys mind if I talk about sleep in this column? 

 (No, you couldn’t stop me if you wanted to and, yes, I see the irony in a column that induces drowsiness being one that  covers the topic of sleep.)

 Anyhoo, despite 46 years of practice, I am the world’s worst sleeper. I mean, I am just terrible at it. 

 It seems so darn easy and intuitive though, right?! How can I keep screwing this up? I have tried everything to sleep better short of taking a high kick to the chin from Chuck Norris.

 For instance, I have tried sleeping with and without the TV on. With the tube on, there are obvious distractions from the light and picture movements. Then there is the volume issue. If the volume is high enough to hear clearly, it may keep me up even more; if it is too low, my ears naturally try harder to hear what is being said thus creating the same insomniac-like effect. 

 Without the TV on, though, my mind constantly races like Usain Bolt in a hamster wheel. My cranium is a cacophony questions no one needs answered. “Did I switch over the laundry?”, “Could a hover board support a man of my carriage?”, “What the heck was Peter Piper going to do with all of those pickled peppers anyway?” Besides, when the TV is on the news stations, I am AT LEAST absorbing some pertinent information via osmosis. 

 Sometimes, the next morning I am all like, ‘….Hey guys… Did you hear that the ambassador to Ecuador’s son was caught in a bank fraud investigation? Also, James Spann expect a blustery wind to strike Cullman county from the north around 6 PM tomorrow.” 

 The other problem with my rest is that I am a mover and shaker. Not in the business or social sense; in a literal, physical way. My legs are like fleshy Red Bull Energy Drinks. I shake like a frightened maraca 98% of the day whether I am awake or asleep. I move so much that I am a threat to wake myself up from a slumber at any given time of the night. 

I DEFINITELY wake my wife up that way. She does not take it well. Nor should she. There was nothing in our vows about her having to deal with a “human San Andreas Fault Line.” 

Melatonin has been a slight help on occasion. It’s over-the-counter stuff and natural (or so the internet tells me). I have also been prescribed more powerful medication and it does work, but not without consequences. 

The first pill I was prescribed worked great, but dang near wiped my memory cleaner than Hillary Clinton’s email. Every morning was a total re-boot. (Hmmmm… Now that I think about my history of embarrassing myself, maybe that was a good thing!?!)  

 On that medicine I slept hard. Real hard. Slept harder than a frozen Cialis diamond after a long day at boot camp. But it got to the point that I couldn’t remember my cousin even if he was named “Ginko Biloba.” I was literally forgetting to put pants on before I went to Walmart (at least, that was my story to the judge in court). 

 The funny thing is I am generally not TOTALLY awake at bedtime. I go to bed early and drift into some “not-alert/ not-comatose” purgatory. My wife will tell you quickly I wouldn’t be able to stay up for “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” even if Kate Upton were guaranteed to have a wardrobe malfunction. 

 The problem is I wake up about every hour or two checking the clock. There’s usually no reason; I just do it. It’s pretty frustrating. 

 So, in conclusion to this rambling, if you have some country, old-fashioned sleep remedy out there, I am all ears. Daddy is tired. 

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