by Sunny Brown
CLOSE UP SHOT OF A WOMAN SILENTLY SCREAMING AND PULLING HER HAIR OUT. THE CAMERA PULLS BACK AND WE REALIZE THAT IT IS OUR HEROINE, SUNNY BROWN. SHE IS HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
THE CAMERA CONTINUES TO PULL BACK AND WE SEE THAT SHE HAS BEEN WRITING IN HER DIARY. CLOSE-UP SHOT OF HER DIARY. WE SEE HER ENTRY:
Dear, Diary ~
*I feel more and more certain every day that my husband is slamming every door, cabinet, and drawer just to drive me insane. Am I becoming paranoid? Or just shell shocked? Is his plan working? #amplottingmyrevenge
*Dog absolutely refuses to go for another walk. She has whittled down to 10 lbs. I have gained the 10 lbs. #shesabitch
*Am trying to retain/find some humor in the situation ~ in Life. Husband refuses to listen to any more of my jokes. #hesnotmyaudienceanyway
*Watched 3 hours of workout videos to try and get motivated. It worked ~ thinking of joining in next time!
*Lost my glasses. It was a good 30-minute reprieve from being in quarantine as I spent the next half-hour looking for them and nothing else in life mattered ~ I completely and totally forgot anything else was going on in the world! Thinking of how to turn this into a game and how to monetize it!? #sunnyneedsajob
*Decide to use this time constructively and learn some things that I have always been interested in learning; Decide to learn how to play the piano – fast! For free!
*Since I have started practicing the piano, husband has asked me to go back to telling him more jokes. Maybe I am beginning to annoy him back? (laughing maniacally.)
*Decide that spending hours on end, day after day, practicing “Learning to Play the Piano in Four Minutes” is too fast!
*Thank God for Turner Classic Movies. #thankful
*Begin learning to speak French.
*Husband claims he can’t understand anything I am saying. #whatsnew
*Decide drinking in French is easier than speaking it. Did someone say #champagnecocktail ? Oh yes, I did!
*Resolve to let us run out of food so I can lose weight. Must try and flatten my curves. #flattenthecurve
*Tried a new recipe: Added Chambord to my Champagne ~ delish! #success
*Husband went to store for food. He has lost 8 lbs. #@%$!
*Husband does not realize how safe he is only because I might need him to be around to help me color my hair. #doessheordoesntshe ?
*Watched 3 more hours of people working out. Decided now was not the time to become a joiner.
*Suddenly everyone in my family wants to Facetime with me. It makes me suspicious. Why now?! Why?!
*I am glad that we must now wear face masks in public. Since I keep gaining all the weight everyone around here is losing, no one will be able to recognize me along with my hat and oversize sunglasses.
*The big questions is: Should I get out my summer clothes? Or are we going to have to “Stay Home” until fall/winter? In which case I will just be in the same pj’s I am in now. Also, it’s always cold in here. I must drink on this. #imeanthinkonthis
*Screen time continues to go up. Bank account continues to go down.
*Have decided to spend some time learning to cook.
*Is it really “cooking” if I am just following directions? #askingforafriend
*Have just heard that they are beginning to re-open society. PANIC! I still have so much that I wanted to do! So much to learn! If I only had the time! #somuchtodosolittletime
FADE TO BLACK.
Sunny is a humor writer, actress, and singer, chronicling her glamorous life on stage and in print. She can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.